19 Life Lessons for My Daughter's 19th Birthday
there will be many "best years of your life," and other truths for young adults, plus a genius tip from Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and milestone gift ideas!
My husband, Jim, and I stepped into our parenting roles the moment we found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Sadie, who turned 19 this week.
As my belly grew, I scheduled doctor’s appointments, researched strollers, and meticulously documented my work responsibilities for maternity leave, already becoming the no-nonsense, forward-looking planner who would later focus on schedules, screen-time rules, and teaching practical life skills.
Meanwhile, Jim experienced a kaleidoscope of emotions: lovingly preparing elaborate ice cream sundaes for me each evening while fretting over everything from raw fish and unpasteurized cheese to his greatest, and completely unfounded, fear: that he wouldn’t know how to be a good father, especially to a girl.
Like seasoned actors in a long-running sitcom, Jim and I have hit our marks for 19 years with practiced precision.
He’s the nostalgic, sentimental dad who patiently played make-believe games with our toddlers, and wanted cozy bedtime snuggles to last forever, while I’ve ensured our home is well-stocked, uncluttered, and organized, and running on predictable routines. My kids harbor grudges over my ruthless disposal of their childhood plushies, while Jim regularly replays old videos of our babies’ babbling and refuses to part with his dusty boxes of teenage diaries and college study notes that reside in our basement.
Our roles complement each other, allowing us to lean into our strengths, and, of course, are rooted in our childhoods.
Open-hearted and generous, Jim was raised as one of four boys in a bustling, happy household where each child was loved unconditionally. My childhood was dominated by violence and mental illness, and a pervasive sense of insecurity and unhappiness, leading me to carefully guard my feelings. I found comfort by finding ways to impose order on chaos.
And so, last month, as we prepared for Sadie’s departure for her freshman year of college halfway across the country, I naturally took charge of logistics, while Jim ordered a deluxe memory box for Sadie to store treasured mementos.
But, amidst the sweaty unpacking, hasty meals, and frenzied Walmart runs of drop-off weekend, I felt myself faltering.
As I efficiently checked errands off my list, my mental calendar flipped to early September, and Sadie’s birthday. Suddenly, I felt off-balance. My head got fuzzy, and my heart squeezed painfully each time I imagined waking up on her 19th birthday and being unable to hug her, for the first time since she was born.
I unnerved my daughter by revealing my emotionally vulnerable side at our final dinner together.
Picking at a plate of nachos and attempting a breezy, unbothered tone as tears welled in my eyes, I murmured, “So, it’s your birthday in a few weeks…and um, if you want me to come visit, I could…”
Sadie gave me a horrified look. “Mom! You never cry. You can’t cry now. Then I’ll start!”
Back home, I spent the next two weeks consumed by nostalgia and longing, a caricature of a needy parent, digging up old photos and greedily eyeing my phone for calls or texts from my daughter.
Finally, she said the magic words, “Mom, maybe it would be nice if you came to visit for my birthday…”
Earlier this week, I arrived in her college town the day before her 19th birthday, and woke before dawn, my heart joyfully pitter-pattering with anticipation at the privilege—which I will never again take for granted—of being with my beloved daughter on the anniversary of her birth.
While we were together, I listened proudly as Sadie capably described managing her life, and I understood: as my children become young adults who can handle their own logistics, there’s space for me to embrace the messy, distracting emotions I pushed away to keep our family running smoothly.
I can feel myself relaxing into a softer, squishier, more tender-hearted (and teary!) version of my motherly self, and just as I’ve loved watching my children evolve through each phase, I’m happy to embrace this development.
But there’s one aspect of my personality that seems unlikely to change: my urge to dispense advice…
While I was with Sadie, I did my best to refrain from offering opinions, aware that young adults need parents who listen, provide support and encouragement, and occasionally, a soft shoulder to cry on. But when I get the chance (like in her birthday card!), I’m gradually sharing the lessons I’ve learned, and that I hope will help during her college years and beyond.
Here's my list. I’d love you to share your good advice and life lessons for young people, too!
1. You are loved. Always and forever, by your father and me, your brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and so many others.
2. There are going to be many "best years of your life." Don’t put pressure on these four years of college to be “the best of your life.” Adults say it in hindsight, forgetting that most of us felt incredibly awkward, confused, lonely, and insecure during our college years.
3. Things will go wrong. The trick is to look for the lesson. You can't avoid heartbreaks, problems with friends, tough classes, and other disappointments, and while they are no fun to endure, and it may not be immediately obvious, each setback will teach you something valuable and will help you grow.
4. You don’t need anyone’s permission to be yourself. One of your most important jobs is to learn how to make your own choices in every aspect of your life. All the information you need is inside yourself: pay attention to what you truly enjoy, not what you think you should enjoy. It’s easy to get distracted by what other people want—and what they try to convince you that you should want. Keep a running list of the things, big and small, that you enjoy—and don’t enjoy.
5. This is the only body (and brain) you’ll ever have! This one body will be your lifelong companion. Be good to it! Find a way to exercise that is fun. Eat well and pay attention to the way food makes you feel. Clear eyes, skin, and a healthy body look good no matter what you’re wearing.
6. Drink water and get plenty of sleep! If you’re feeling off and don’t know what else to do, try these two (free!) strategies: drink a glass of water and go to bed early.
7. Put your phone away when you’re doing something important. Just moving it out of your sight will increase your focus.
8. Don’t pluck your eyebrows. Just trust me. Your 40-something self will thank you!
9. Say no without apology. When there’s something optional you don’t want to do, the best way to decline is to say, “I can’t make it” or “I’m not available.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
10. Focus on figuring out which industry you’re broadly interested in, not a specific job. The goal is to find meaningful, challenging work that interests you and that you’re excited to work hard at. Don’t worry about what job you could do—think about what issues and industries you’re fascinated by, want to understand better, and what sparks ideas ideas for making positive changes.
11. Grades matter! Whether or not your classes seem “practical,” work hard so that you’re proud of your achievements.
12. The people who surround you influence your behavior. It’s easier to start and sustain good habits when you’re hanging out with people who have those habits. “Behaviors are more appealing when learned from observation,” according to social scientists.
13. Build up your failure muscle. At this time in your life, and throughout your twenties, the key is to experiment. You have very little to lose and you don’t need a lot of money (compared to supporting a family). Ask questions. Make mistakes. Try new things. Fail courageously. Which brings me to…
14. No one is watching you as closely as you think they are. Don’t be distracted or dissuaded by what you imagine “everyone else thinks” about you. It’s most likely that they’re worrying about what you think! People respect “originals.”
15. Every good idea is initially met with naysayers. This is true for every successful person, company, and genius scientific breakthrough. If you have an idea, big or small, and want to pursue it—whether it’s a class, trip, job, exercise routine, or hobby, follow through and see what happens. At the very least, you’ll learn something.
16. Never assume. When you’re in doubt or confused about what’s expected or required of you, ask your professors (friends, or managers) for clarification or explanation. It’s the fastest way to avoid misunderstandings in relationships, missed deadlines, and mistakes.
17. “Never burn bridges! Today’s junior prick, tomorrow’s senior partner.” I think about this quote from the movie, Working Girl, a lot. Treat everyone you meet with respect—it’s likely you’ll cross paths again.
18. Pay attention to the Not Quite Right feeling. You’ll notice it when you’re dating: someone will appear “good on paper,” but things won’t feel quite right, no matter how much you want to make the relationship work. The Not Quite Right feeling means it’s time to move on.
19. Ask for help. We are always here for you. No problem is too big or small for us to listen to or be burdened with. Honestly sharing your difficulties—whether with us, your professors, or your friends—will deepen your relationships and improve your life.
Sadie received several special gifts from family and friends for this milestone, all of which are excellent ideas for high school and college students!
The Nori Press portable steamer makes taking care of clothes easy.
This is the deluxe keepsake box Jim gave Sadie to store photos, notes, and mementos. It’s beautifully sturdy and can be personalized!
A monogrammed spa towel wrap is a stylish must-have for dorm life!
This purse is perfect for stadium events where clear bags are required.
Last month, when I mentioned that my daughter would soon start college, reader, Caryn said,
“As a college professor, I like parents to know just how much your kids love you and that they say the most heartfelt and lovely things about their parents when given the opportunity!”
And I love this genius tip from Julia Louis-Dreyfus for ensuring young adult children want to come home…
"You just make sure that after they leave, all the sheets on their bed are high-quality sheets, and that bed is the most comfortable bed they have ever slept in in their life, and they'll always come back!"
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❤️ I hope you have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll be back next Friday!
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I found myself tearing up when reading this! My baby will quickly grow from 9 - 19 in no time! Great advice, Amelia!
What a beautifully written tribute for Sadie’s birthday. The lessons are lifelong pieces of wisdom !