7 Genius Tips for Happier Entertaining from Expert Hosts

how to banish "party panic" plus 10 entertaining essentials!

I love hosting people in my home, but I'm a house-proud, part-time perfectionist who suffers from "party panic" (the technical term).

Consequently, I'm an expert at talking myself out of inviting people over.

When I contemplate entertaining, two personas battle inside my mind: the carefree me who loves getting up to mischief and laughing about it with friends for years afterward, versus the self-conscious, rule-follower who worries about being judged for my decor, cooking, and personality.

In my twenties, my strategy for combating party stress was to drink a lot before guests arrived. This made my anxiety disappear—along with my good judgment—and was not healthy. Then I met my husband, who loves to entertain and is supremely comfortable in any social situation. Having him as a co-host dramatically calmed my nerves.

But my party panic has never entirely dissipated. Last year, as my 50th birthday approached, my indecision over whether to celebrate intensified dramatically. I spent hours discussing it in therapy while harshly judging myself for needing professional help for something so basic.

My therapist reminded me that my fear is rooted in a childhood insecurity: that no one really likes me, and I don't have any friends.

Often, when getting dressed before guests arrive, I’m overcome by stomach-churning dread and a desperate urge to cancel, as a young, vulnerable part of me worries that no one will show up and my true, unlikable nature will be shamefully exposed. I want to comfort myself with chocolate and curl up in bed in the fetal position.

For my 50th, I decided to follow my own advice and celebrate with a party. My therapist's directive was, "Stop judging yourself, be honest with your friends and family, and ask for help." She reminded me that hosting is stressful for many—that's why Ina Garten, whose entire brand is about easy entertaining, is a national treasure!

While my party panic is gradually diminishing, it’s unlikely to ever completely disappear. To protect myself from the terror of no one showing up, I've got a million excuses not to host: my house is messy, I'm too busy to clean and cook, it's too hot/cold/windy/rainy, and the all-time classic, I'll be exhausted the next day…

However, my most treasured memories all feature the happy faces of friends and family gathered in my home; my 50th celebration is now one of them.

And so, here are my strategies for overcoming common insecurities, along with genius tips from entertaining experts. Of course, I’d love to know: do you experience party panic, and how do you cope?!

Leading a singalong with friends at my 50th birthday party (I’m in stripes!)

1. Your home is not a restaurant. When I’m stressed about cooking something impressive, I remind myself that my memories of fun times at friends’ homes feature good people and good feelings—not the menu! For dinner parties, I reduce complications by making something I know by heart, serving store-bought sides and desserts, and adhering to Jenny Rosenstrach’s simple 3-app rule: offer guests three tasty but not too filling options to nibble on during cocktails. I typically serve salt and vinegar potato chips, a bowl of olives, and nuts.

2. Cohost. The best way to alleviate my fear of no one showing up is to throw parties with friends. That way, I know at least my cohosts will be there! And it’s fun to plan parties with friends: it gives you a reason to get together and chat before the event, plus you can share the costs.

3. Perfect prevents fun. Inviting people into our homes can feel vulnerable because we’re exposing so much, from our taste in décor and music to our tidiness. While I love my home, I have ridiculously high standards (a result of reading too many aspirational shelter magazines) and often feel inadequate.

I used to go into a days-long cleaning and tidying frenzy before guests arrived, which left me exhausted, resentful, and not in a party mood. Now, I limit the time I’m “allowed” to tidy to two hours, prioritizing a few important areas: the mudroom, where guests enter; the powder room; the kitchen; and wherever we’ll be spending the most time.

Expert ideas for distracting visitors from untidiness:

• Arrange a well-stocked bar (with ice, glasses, and non-alcoholic options) and a few snacks to ensure guests feel immediately welcome. Everyone beelines to the bar, and any mess goes unnoticed.

• Salad maven Emily Nunn advises, “if your house is such a mess that you feel overwhelmed, buy three big bunches of flowers at Trader Joe’s and put them in the messiest rooms...”

• British design queen India Knight says, “A messy kitchen looks significantly less messy if the sink is pristine. Grubby sinks are sordid, only one up from terrible loos.”

4. Relish being in control! I can cajole myself into entertaining by remembering an advantage of hosting: I get to make all the big decisions! From whom and how many people to invite, to the start and end times, and what meal (if any) will be served, hosting means asserting your preferences.

I like to go to bed at 9 pm, so I invite people for early cocktails with a firm end of 8:30 pm. A winter Sunday dinner that begins at 3 pm and ends at 8 pm? Yes, please!

My ideal number of guests for a dinner party is 8-10: there are enough people for interesting conversation with varying perspectives, but not so many that anyone is excluded. My husband and I can handle cleaning up, and if one couple cancels, it doesn’t feel like a disaster!

5. Last-minute is chic. I’ve become a devotee of the “last-minute soirée” as described by legendary British decorator and host Nicky Haslam, “It’s friendlier, and you don’t spend time worrying about whether or not it’ll work or whether people will be able to come…” For me, this means inviting guests no more than a week in advance. Everything feels more fun and less weighty when pulled together last minute, and I have less time to engage in party panic…

6. Repeat performances. Repeating successful events dramatically decreases my anxiety: when I know something works and people enjoy it, I have less to worry about. Over the years, the rotation has included book clubs, an annual black-tie dinner co-hosted with friends, a pre-Christmas ugly sweater party, and a cookout featuring my husband’s family's rib recipe.

7. Party like you’re 5 years old! Kids’ birthday parties are well-structured to maximize fun and minimize boredom, with themes, activities, and games. In contrast, adult parties often consist of just eating, drinking, and chatting.

A loose theme or an easy game breaks the ice for guests and makes your party memorable. Some ideas:

• Ask guests to wear one color and call it a Pink Party or Navy Night.

• At a 40^th birthday party, guests were given wigs upon arrival; hilarity ensued!

• Serve a seasonal specialty in each course and deem it a Tomato Party or Corn Fest. Ask guests to bring something on-theme.

• Los Angeles-based designer Ali LaBelle suggests a Taco Bell dinner party with a Baja Blast-inspired cocktail, or a summer movie night where guests bring snacks related to the movie.

• Play games: cornhole or ping pong before dinner, or poker, mahjong, or a board game afterwards.

Music. Along with flattering lighting, music is key to setting the right mood. I love this playlist for cocktail parties and this one for dinners. I have Sonos speakers in every room and portable ones outside.

Books. Lela Rose’s Pret-a-Party is filled with fabulous theme ideas and inspirational images, and I rely on Ina Garten’s cookbooks for recipes, especially Make It Ahead and Foolproof.

Linens. When a friend recently served dinner on striped placemats with nifty pockets for flatware, I tracked down a similar version on Amazon. Lisa Corti’s colorful linens are stunning!

Scent. I keep a can of this fancy French gardenia-scented spray in our powder room (and a candle) to make guests feel comfortable!

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