9 Life Lessons I Learned on the Tennis Court
on ambition, self-sabotage, and finally deciding to go for it
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Tennis, with its chic attire and romantic vocabulary, may be the sexiest sport, but what I love most is what playing the game has taught me about life.
I began tennis lessons at twelve and instantly loved it. I had some natural talent: I was fast with good hand-eye coordination. I fantasized about becoming really good, winning trophies, and receiving acclaim.
But I was self-conscious, insecure, and deeply afraid of being seen trying too hard.
I believed that pursuing excellence would make me unlikeable — that winning, for a girl, was unseemly.
I was terrified of giving it everything and still losing. So I avoided sweating and putzed around on the court, ignoring my coach’s encouragement and advice, insisting I was simply playing for fun.
But there’s something hollow and unsatisfying about pretending you don’t want what you truly desire: I felt vaguely embarrassed anytime I stepped onto a tennis court and quit when I graduated from high school.
The same pattern followed me into my career. I avoided pursuing promotions, transfers to other departments, and plum projects for the same reasons: I didn’t want to be seen wanting things, and I couldn’t bear the thought of being told no.
Throughout my twenties and thirties, I felt permanently dissatisfied with my career and, just as I had years earlier on the tennis court, ashamed.
By the time I picked up a tennis racquet again as a married mother of two in my thirties, I was aware of my tendency to self-sabotage by pretending not to want things I desperately desired.
I had learned that this behavior was partly due to my difficult childhood, and I knew I wanted to change—for myself, and for my kids. I didn’t want my children to become people who killed their dreams because of their fear of rejection, loss, or judgment. I wanted to show them what it looked like to set a goal and work hard toward it, no matter the result.
Tennis champion Arthur Ashe said, “You’ve got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing.”
In my late thirties, I was finally there. I swallowed my fear of being seen trying and got to work.
I joined a tennis club, and over several years, with diligence (and many, many hours on the court!), I progressed from the bottom rung of players to the finals of the club championship.
Of course, in my quest to become a winner, I felt every sting I’d spent years trying to avoid: exacting coaches who gave harsh criticism, superior players who defeated me decisively (and repeatedly!), and making mistakes—and losing—as friends and family watched.
But I also learned that while losing always hurts, it’s deeply satisfying to know you tried your hardest. I’m disappointed when defeated, but I don’t feel small and ashamed, the way I felt when I shrank from my ambition.
Playing tennis as an adult has given me so much more than simply exercise: I’ve made lifelong friends, rediscovered the joy of play, shown my kids how to lose gracefully (I hope!), and practiced and honed a critical life skill: clearly defining what I want, then figuring out how to get it.
Here are 9 invaluable life lessons tennis has taught me…
1. You cannot win or achieve anything of value while avoiding the pain of losing. Trying to avoid failure, defeat, and disappointment isn’t just futile; it’s the thing that keeps you small. Whether it’s feeling vulnerable when extending an invitation to a new friend or publishing my writing each week, the risk of rejection or flopping is worth it for the potential rewards. The more you fail, the more comfortable you are taking the kind of risks that lead to bigger successes.
2. Growth happens when you put yourself in uncomfortable situations. Each time I’ve wanted to improve an aspect of my tennis game, like volleys or my serve, I’ve spent months feeling awkward and uncomfortable—and losing constantly—while practicing and adopting the skills I needed to grow. Life becomes boring and blah when you stop challenging yourself.
3. Pretending you don’t want what you desire is a soul-crushing dead end. Being open about your hopes and goals is no guarantee you’ll achieve them, but refusing to acknowledge them—even to yourself—and never taking action, guarantees you won’t.
4. Lean into what’s working. I’ve never forgotten the tennis pro who explained that recreational players often win a point doing something (a deep crosscourt forehand, perhaps) and then, in the very next point, do something completely different and wonder why it didn’t work. In life, like on the tennis court: if something is working (a form of exercise, taking medication, a routine, or habit) stick with it. Too often, we stop doing the exact thing that’s causing our success!
5. Obsession isn’t a virtue. There was a time when I veered into tennis-obsession territory, spending too much of my time playing and thinking about tennis. Every missed shot felt catastrophic, and a hobby I loved became a joyless chore. Finding “balance” in life is a cliché, but it’s important. Which leads me to….
6. Take breaks. Taking regular breaks from tennis and every other area of my life where I’ve set ambitious goals is imperative for gaining rest, perspective, and creative inspiration. And here’s the maddening, wonderful thing: it’s almost always after a break that my game mysteriously gets better!
7. Accept tough feedback. My tennis game did not improve until I actively sought out constructive criticism from coaches and got over my impulse to feel slighted, make excuses, or argue with them! It’s the same in my professional life: it’s easy to avoid asking for honest feedback, and criticism always hurts, but you can’t get better if you don’t know what you need to improve.
8. Stop apologizing for winning. “I’m sorry!” is a common refrain on tennis courts—particularly when women are playing. Many of us are socialized by our families and cultures to put others first, so we apologize for everything: good shots, bad shots, and winning points! I’m gradually learning to own and celebrate my successes and shrug off my mistakes—without all the “sorry’s!”
9. Your partner makes or breaks you. I mostly play doubles, where building a complementary partnership with strong communication is crucial. Every good partnership — a marriage, a business, a friendship — requires honesty about what you’re each good at, what you’re not, and an unshakeable commitment to showing up for each other regardless of the score.
📺WATCH. While I’m sad Hacks has come to an end, the season finale was fantastic: a satisfying, inspiring end to a series that was funny, heartfelt, and so, so clever. Jim and I are hooked on Widow’s Bay, now completely invested in discovering the mystery of the island’s “curse.” I’m looking forward to the next episode of Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed, but was disappointed by Season 2 of The Four Seasons. Have you seen it? I had very high hopes, but it feels a little forced to me! Meanwhile, Miss You, Love You, a new (streaming) movie starring Allison Janney and Andrew Rannells, looks intriguing…
📚READ. I tore through Elizabeth Strout’s latest novel, The Things We Never Say, about a soul-searching middle-aged high school teacher, and while I loved the writing, I found the story and the many missed opportunities for connection and honesty unbearably sad. I’m now reading Whistler, Ann Patchett’s latest novel, about a late-in-life family reunion, which reviews tell me is ultimately heartwarming! Some more ideas: Annabel Monaghan’s latest summer romance, Dolly All the Time, is out, and Katherine Stockett, who wrote The Help, has written a new novel set during the Great Depression, The Calamity Club.
🎾SUBSCRIBE. For the tennis lovers: my new project, Tennisette, a free weekly newsletter for stylish tennis players, launches this Friday, June 5! On the eve of the French Open finals, the first issue will include practical advice to upgrade your game, plus chic Paris-inspired finds to wear both on and off the court. Click here to subscribe for free!
I loved chatting with Katy Rexing, who inspires a legion of women to live more balanced lives through her Instagram and newsletter, on her wonderful podcast, Within, about midlife, happiness, parenting, and more!
The Phrase I Texted My Kids 133 Times. I loved this piece by a father and head of school, about the fleeting joys (and noise!) of parenting, and what it feels like when the kids leave home. “I’ve spent much of my career telling parents that their job, ultimately, is to make themselves less necessary to their kids—that growing up is supposed to look like this: children pulling away, needing you differently, building lives that don’t require your constant presence. It’s sound advice. I’ve given it for 30 years. I’m still learning how to take it.”
Ten quick thoughts about age and change. Numbers 4 and 5 are very me, plus do you know what the Britishism, “racketing,” means?!
How a surgeon chose her surgeon. The eye-opening—and extremely helpful—advice of a pediatric ENT surgeon who needed surgery herself, “To patients, my advice is this: Listen to your doctors, but with a grain of salt. Don’t be afraid to question a recommendation or seek alternate opinions. If you find yourself consulting surgeons with drastically varied recommendations, don’t be afraid to ask them what’s based on evidence vs. their individual experience.”
🏖️Take me away: dreamy hotels in Puglia. We’re not doing a big summer trip this year, and I am pining for Mediterranean beaches, food, and sun!
A very warm welcome to this week’s new subscribers! There’s some more about me here, and if you’d like to catch up, you can peruse every issue of Happy on Purpose right here.
Have a wonderful week and weekend. Coming up: how to add more laughter to your life, and this year’s best books, TV, and movies!
P.S.:🎾Tennis friends: you might like my other free newsletter, Tennisette. Subscribe to receive the very first issue on Friday, June 5!
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Beautiful piece. The line about being terrified of giving it everything and still losing is familiar, I get a glimpse of it in my daughter too. The evidence on girls dropping sport in their teens is grim, and some of the explanations point back to exactly this: the discomfort of wanting something visibly. Watching a woman find her way back to it as an adult, and pull life lessons out of it, is something I don't see written about often.
Such good lessons here Amelia! Did you know about the link between tennis players and longevity?