How to Cheer Up Anyone (Including Yourself!)
5 ways to harness the life-changing power of praise
Earlier this week at a crowded event, I spotted a friend wearing an outfit1 that nailed a fashion holy grail: telegraphing spring’s hopeful promise, while providing warmth on a cold, blustery day.
I waved maniacally to get her attention. When we connected, I gushed, “You look so wonderful today, and I had to tell you! This ensemble is perfect for the weather!”
She beamed at me, said thank you, and enveloped me in a hug. I basked in the glow of her smile, feeling as if I had just bestowed an Oscar.
It was the same way I felt a month ago, when a stranger in a parking lot called out, “I love your purse!” After thanking him and exchanging brief pleasantries, I got into my car and grinned like a lottery winner all the way home. Since then, each time I’ve been to that store, I’ve remembered the compliment and felt delighted all over again.
“I can live for two months on a good compliment,” said Mark Twain, and while I shouldn’t quibble with one of history’s great minds, I disagree: I can live on kind words and thoughtful comments for years!
Some examples: the friend who told me that she and her husband asked themselves “What Would Amelia Do?” when faced with a tricky conundrum, or the time I overheard a demanding boss say I was his “secret weapon.” I especially love mentally reliving the day a stranger interrupted my then 12-year-old daughter and me mid-conversation at a café to say, “I can tell you two have a really strong relationship!” and I keep a document entitled “Nice Things People Have Said About Me and My Writing,” to peruse when I need a confidence boost.
Giving good compliments is a skill, and Milo McCabe is a master.
You may have seen one of his videos, where, dressed in a smoking jacket as a character named Troy Hawke, he imparts inventive praise to unsuspecting strangers in a proper British accent, saying things like,
“You look intimidating and friendly at the same time. That’s not an easy thing to pull off!”
“You are voice-noting like a champion!”
“You have a very determined walk. I fear for your enemies!”
I LOVE watching people inflate with joy as they absorb McCabe’s kind words.
Studies show that kindness is contagious and giving compliments feels just as good as receiving them. For reasons both selfish and altruistic, I’d like to harness this power more regularly because I really enjoy feeling like I’ve won the lottery and/or bestowed an Oscar!
If you, too, would like to make a habit of giving people lovely memories (featuring you!) while also increasing your happiness, here are 5 things to know about giving good compliments:
Just do it! There are two common reasons many of us hold back from praising someone: we underestimate how good a compliment will make the recipient feel, and we overestimate how bothered and uncomfortable the recipient will feel. These impulses are wrong: no one minds being interrupted to be complimented!
Be stealthy. Psychologists have studied the impact of surprise, and found that when compliment-givers caught recipients off guard, they were even more appreciative of the unexpected boost of positivity.
Be specific. The praise I never forget is always related to something important to me and my identity, whether I’m secretly proud of a certain skill and would love recognition, or I’m insecure about something and craving validation.
Be sincere. Superficial and generic praise, like, “You’re a nice person,” is not meaningful or memorable. Even when weird and awkwardly delivered, the best compliments arise out of genuine appreciation.
You both win! As Milo McCabe says, “Get it right and it’s like a natural high for the pair of you.”
I’d love to know: what’s a compliment you’ve never forgotten? Or something nice someone said to you recently? Pop into the comments and tell me! Oh, and by the way: there’s a message waiting for you there…
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She wore a maxi dress, ballet flats, and a light coat. I was wearing a heavy turtleneck and wool pants and felt out of step with the season!
Dear Happy on Purpose readers: You’re smart, kind, thoughtful, curious, and loyal (and really, really ridiculously good looking!). Thank you for being here!
One of my secret rules for compliments is to focus on what a person has chosen rather than their circumstances. I don't comment on bodies or jobs, but rather on clothing, behavior, or other things I know the person actively selected. These compliments feel better to receive, I think, and this approach helps me pay close attention to others, which is one of my favorite things to do.