The 7 Habits of Self-Assured Midlife Women
"Find out who you are. And do it on purpose."
In my first full-time job, our all-female staff of four attended a course based on Stephen Covey’s bestselling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I was excited: I very much wanted to be a “highly effective” person and equally thrilled by the novelty of spending several days away from my desk.
To my great disappointment, the book and course did not change or improve me. Being a highly effective person seemed to be all about time management and productivity—for people with many duties and tight schedules—something I didn’t identify with at all.
At twenty-one, my primary responsibility was showing up to work at 9 am presentably dressed, which I found quite straightforward (I lived fifteen minutes away). My priorities beyond that were: 1. Having fun, and 2. Meeting someone to fall in love with. Those goals dovetailed nicely, so I spent my free time planning and throwing parties with my roommate, attending other people’s parties, or going to bars…
But when I re-read Covey’s classic in my forties, I was struck by its wisdom. At the time it was written (the “Greed is Good” 90s), its message to business executives was subversive: instead of pursuing quick wins, focus on developing character traits like humility, fidelity, integrity, and courage that can be applied to everything you pursue in life, from work to parenting and relationships.
Covey’s book is a timeless bestseller because spending our one wild and precious life chasing trends, saying what people want to hear, and blindly following instructions is ultimately unsatisfying.
A worthwhile life is built on the much harder work of looking inward to carefully determine what is most meaningful and important to you; what kind of person you will be proud to be; then managing your energy and time to focus almost exclusively on those things.
Dolly Parton said it best: “Find out who you are. And do it on purpose.”
At fifty-one, I’ve been married for two decades, and a mother for almost as long. I’m focused on raising children whom I want to hang out with as adults, creating a body of work that inspires and delights other women, and spending time doing things with people I love and admire.
Rather than being highly effective, I aspire to be self-assured: knowing who I am, understanding my strengths and weaknesses, and prioritizing my goals—no matter what society, or other people, may say. It’s a lifelong process: just as I think I’ve figured something out, I stumble into new, tricky terrain, and must adapt and grow.
And so, while Covey studied the habits of male business executives, I study midlife women I want to emulate: they’re confident, engaged, stylish, passionate, fun, true to themselves, wise, and, of course, self-assured.
Here are seven themes I’ve noticed…
1. They guard their time and say no without apology. Cup of Jo and Big Salad founder, Joanna Goddard’s number one career lesson? “You can say no. Maybe you should say no a lot. I’ve said no so many times. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have a job. So many people ask you for things constantly. Just find a kind and gracious way to say no, and say it over and over and over until there’s something you feel will really bring you value or there’s a real reason for doing it.”
“So long as you’re still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself.” Oprah Winfrey
2. They put themselves first. Bestselling novelist, Annabel Monaghan, says: “You know how in personal finance, they always say to pay yourself first? When I was raising kids, I always paid myself last. Now, I wake up early in the morning before anyone else is awake, and I have my coffee with my dog. I write, and then I exercise. And then I engage with other people. If the whole day goes to shit at nine o’clock, I’ve already worked and exercised. It’s my way of flipping the way my life used to be into the way I think everybody’s life should be: start out by taking care of your own stuff, and then be there for other people, and see what comes at you from the world.”
3. They have a unique look. From Amelia Earhart’s cropped hair and iconic leather flight jacket to Anna Wintour’s sharp bob, sunglasses, and feminine dresses, and Ina Garten’s button-downs and black pants, women with instantly recognizable signature styles radiate confidence. Developing my own signature style is an ongoing project: in my experience, it is deceptively difficult to determine, and commit to wearing, what looks and feels best on you, regardless of trends.
4. They accept failure as an essential ingredient for growth. Billie Jean King, winner of 39 Grand Slam Tennis titles, and, of course, The Battle of the Sexes match against Bobby Riggs, famously said, “Losing a tennis match isn’t failure, it’s research.”
Bestselling author and professor, Brene Brown says, “Your ability to live a life that’s full of love and meaning, to make the world a braver and kinder place, to disrupt and reshape the future, has very little to do with the greatness of your plan. It depends completely on your ability to get back up and begin again when your plan fails.”
Harvard-trained sociologist, author, and life coach, Martha Beck, observes, “From my life-coaching seat, I’ve noticed that the primary difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the successful people fail more.”
5. They reward themselves. Journalist and personal finance expert, Lindsey Stanberry, has a delicious morning routine: “I wake up between 5 and 5:30 am each morning, before my son gets up, and eat two cookies in bed while watching a 30-minute TV show. The show needs to be something that will make me feel good and that I’ll enjoy watching alone.”
Bestselling ghostwriter, Caroline Donofrio, keeps a sticker chart, “…to log the ways I show up for myself. It’s separate from my regular calendar and just for pursuits that might otherwise fall by the wayside, like meditation, personal projects, and various forms of movement. It’s surprisingly effective in a gentle way, and choosing and affixing each day’s stickers brings its own moment of joy.”
6. They choose authenticity. Jacinda Ardern, on retiring as Prime Minister of New Zealand, said, “I do hope I’ve demonstrated…that you can be anxious, sensitive, kind, and wear your heart on your sleeve. You can be a mother, or not. You can be an ex-Mormon, or not. You can be a nerd, a crier, a hugger—you can be all of these things. And not only can you be here, you can lead. Just like me.”
“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” Brene Brown wrote in The Gifts of Imperfection.
7. They regret nothing. Beloved chef, Julia Child, said, “I don’t believe in twisting yourself into knots of excuses and explanations over the food you make. When one’s host starts in with self-deprecations such as ‘Oh, I don’t know how to cook...,’ or ‘Poor little me...,’ or ‘This may taste awful...,’ it is so dreadful to have to reassure her that everything is delicious and fine, whether it is or not. Besides, such admissions only draw attention to one’s shortcomings (or self-perceived shortcomings), and make the other person think, ‘Yes, you’re right, this really is an awful meal!’ Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed—eh bien, tant pis! Usually one’s cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile -- and learn from her mistakes.”
And the last word goes to Nora Ephron: “I can make a case that I regret nothing. After all, most of my mistakes turned out to be things I survived, or turned into funny stories, or, on occasion, even made money from.”
I love the simplicity of having signature gifts for the recurrent occasions (and people) in my life—and would like to bring that ease to my wardrobe. While my style isn’t (yet!) as distinctive as Anna or Ina’s, here are five things I return to again and again.
Fleece robe. Come 5 pm, from fall through spring, this is what I’m wearing!
Scent. I’ve been wearing this men’s cologne as perfume for nearly two decades and I love that I never smell it on anyone else.
Cashmere wrap. The one thing I take on every trip!
Crossbody bag. Clare V makes the best everyday bags, and you can customize your strap.
Nail polish. This deep pinkish/red has been my pedicure go-to for at least a decade—it works all year round!
Last week, I asked what you read Happy on Purpose for, and the overwhelming majority—82% of you—picked life advice and hacks. Thank you for your responses—it helps me write more of what you want to read. And thank you for trusting me to offer advice. I am deeply honored, especially as I continue to learn-as-I-go through life's experiences!
I’ve noticed that a lot of newsletters are sent on Fridays, and so I’d love to know when you would prefer to receive each weekly dispatch…
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The Life-Changing Magic of a Not-to-Do List. How minimalism expert Courtney Carver gets things done (gently) plus 3 things she can’t live without!
❤️ Have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll be back next Friday with something I’ve been working on for a while: my “midlife manifesto!” And, of course, I’ll “see” paid subscribers on Wednesday. xo Amelia
I just LOVE reading your posts… They just resonate so much for me and verbalise (in written form!) wisdom coming from purposeful contemplation of human life. Thank you!
Love this article Amelia - especially the idea of failures as research and an adult sticker chart! I’ve been using ticks (check marks) for mine but stickers are so much more fun. 🥰 Have a wonderful weekend!