The Gratitude Practice That Really Works

An easy way to feel happier every day

We’ve all heard that gratitude is good.

Societies throughout the ages have extolled its benefits, and over two thousand years ago, Cicero proclaimed: “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.”

In recent decades, scientists have studied the effects of gratitude, proving what the ancients knew: people who are grateful are happier, more successful, and tend to live healthier, longer lives.

But for many of us, “practicing” gratitude is a struggle.

Daily life is largely about getting things done. Scheduling time to simply feel grateful can feel counterproductive.

And because gratitude can sound like a soft and fluffy term, it’s easy to dismiss. In the real world, except for specific times of the year – Thanksgiving, certain religious holidays, and Mothers’ and Fathers’ Days – “being thankful” rarely carries the same weight as virtues like persistence, courage, or discipline.

In addition, life is a series of ups and downs; each day does not necessarily provide a parade of lucky and thrilling surprises to feel happy about. More often we are presented with a series of problems and challenges to overcome.

We’ve been doing it all wrong.

Back in the heyday of The Oprah Winfrey Show, Oprah told her viewers about her gratitude journal, extolling its many virtues and benefits. Her audience, thrilled by the idea that they too could enjoy Oprah’s wealth and success by writing gratitude lists, set to it with gusto!

The problem was, they didn’t feel any better. In fact, soon after, a study of middle-aged divorced women who kept gratitude journals showed that these women felt no happier than a similar group who kept no journals at all.

Why was this so?

There are two keys to unlocking the benefits of gratitude:

First is the genuine feeling.

Oprah’s fans were writing down lists as if they were magic spells, hoping for miraculous results, without experiencing genuine gratitude for the good things already in their lives.

It’s easy to simply list five good things - you can do it while feeling distracted or anxious. Truly feeling thankful means focusing your attention on abundance, generosity, pleasure, and awe.  

Engaging in a rote activity or “practice” because we are told it’s important, without experiencing a genuine sense of thankfulness, does not bring any benefits.

The power of gratitude is in the experience of it: the felt sensation of true appreciation.

The second key is reciprocity.

Gratitude does not exist in a vacuum.

Studies have repeatedly shown that the most powerful positive feelings resulting from gratitude arise when people express and receive thanks to each other.

This is why many religions include public rituals of counting blessings and giving thanks; the most well-known example is the practice of saying grace before meals.  

As Robert Emmons, a leading gratitude researcher puts it: “Gratitude is the truest approach to life. We did not create or fashion ourselves…Life is about giving, receiving, and repaying. We are receptive beings, dependent on the help of others, on their gifts and their kindness.”

Interestingly, studies have also indicated that positive feelings can be generated from simply observing other people receiving gratitude – for example, reading or watching a heart-warming story about a rescue or act of generosity.

Here’s the easiest way to add more gratitude to your life.

Each day, the first e-mail you send will be a quick message of appreciation.

That’s it!

Your message may be a reply to an e-mail that’s sitting in your Inbox, or it can be an e-mail that you initiate.

Keep it short and simple. The most important thing is that you feel genuinely grateful to the person for something they did or said, and express that clearly.

Here’s how I’ve been doing it this week: on two mornings I thanked readers of this blog. Another morning I replied to an e-mail from my son’s after-school tutor with a message of appreciation. Today I thanked someone for their patience in enduring multiple schedule changes initiated by me!

This is why it works.

1. The best way to establish a new habit is to use the concept of “habit-stacking” to add it to your existing routine. Developed by self-help author S.J. Scott, habit-stacking means identifying a regular habit (like brushing your teeth or opening your e-mail each morning) and then adding the new habit on top of the existing one. The more ingrained the foundational habit, the easier this is. Most of us check e-mail first thing each day, so we’re using this established habit as a foundation.

2. It’s been proven repeatedly that the cumulative effects of small actions, done regularly, are huge. One quick note of thanks to another person each morning helps build a sense of appreciation for the good things (and people) in your everyday life.

3. Expressing gratitude to another person includes both reciprocity and genuine feeling: composing an e-mail of gratitude requires focus and specificity; remembering and thinking about something kind or generous another person has done for you allows you to experience warm and positive feelings as you’re writing.

Thank you for reading!

I appreciate you being here and I’d love to hear what you think. If this works for you, or you have thoughts, comments, or feedback, you are welcome to e-mail me at amelia@somehappyscribbles.com