The Secret to Happy Marriages
The Secret to Happy Marriages
a master class in relationship renovation
Welcome to Some Happy Scribbles and thank you for reading! Did you know that subscribing for free helps support my work? Simply enter your e-mail here:
One cold evening last week, I settled onto the sofa in front of a crackling fire and switched on the television, determined to solve the mystery that haunted me: why had I become obsessed with HGTV?
For months, I couldn’t figure it out.
At the onset of my obsession, I assumed that, along with the 77 million U.S. households who subscribe to the channel, I had succumbed to the network’s famous “Xanax” effect.
But, I realized, as hours elapsed in front of the TV screen, it wasn’t HGTV the channel that I felt increasingly compelled to watch, but just one show, Fixer to Fabulous, where, true to one of HGTV’s successful formulas, married couple Jenny and Dave Marrs renovate old homes in Bentonville Arkansas. Each episode details the overhaul of a run-down house by the photogenic couple and culminates in a happy payoff when the homeowners murmur surprised and grateful oohs and aahs (and often, tears of joy) as they’re escorted around their remodeled home.
The confusing thing? I found the predictable structure of the show a little boring.
So if I wasn’t watching for the demolition, open-kitchen installations, or bathroom upgrades, what was I watching for?
Like an amateur anthropologist, I decided to observe my reactions to the show, watching myself as I watched the Marrs’ doing their thing.
Which is when I realized that I was specifically watching Dave.
Was this a midlife crush? It was conceivable. Dave is a genial and handsome middle-aged man, with an intriguing tattoo, and a genius for woodworking. But…that description (minus the tattoo) also applies to my husband of 18 years, and I certainly wasn’t fantasizing about leaving him for Dave Marrs.
Finally, I felt a satisfying click as the gears in my brain shifted and the answer to the mystery revealed itself: I was watching Dave Marrs so closely because he was doing something the famous marriage researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who are known for their best-selling books about relationships and their “Love Lab” at the University of Washington in Seattle, believe is the number one thing necessary for a healthy and happy relationship…
Dave Marrs Turns Toward His Wife
In every Fixer to Fabulous episode, the Marrs’ routine goes like this: Jenny develops a vision for remodeling the home and outlines it to Dave. Within her plan, Jenny inevitably devises a wonderfully whimsical and creative, yet difficult-to-execute idea (due to timing, logistics, cost, or all of the above) which will require execution by Dave, the contractor and master woodworker.
The first few times I watched the show, I’d observe these interactions between husband and wife, a knowing smile playing on my lips, as I anticipated Dave exhaling loudly, looking at Jenny as if she’s crazy, throwing up his hands in exasperation, and pointing out all the reasons her idea is impractical, and not a good one.
After all, this is a familiar dynamic in long-term relationships: it certainly happens in mine, and I’ve seen it in others.
But that’s not what happens on Fixer to Fabulous.
Instead, Dave Marrs remains silent while Jenny talks, listening thoughtfully and respectfully. He then slowly nods his head, agrees that Jenny’s idea is wonderful, furrows his brow in concentration, and quietly describes his initial thoughts on how to get it done.
How To Stay (Happily) Married
When Jenny Marrs outlines her creative ideas, she is making what the Gottmans call a “bid for connection” as defined in their recent book, The Love Prescription.
Often, bids for connection are very subtle, like when one partner sighs audibly within earshot of the other. This may be an invitation to ask: “What’s wrong?”
Or they can be complex, like a request for advice or help. When one partner makes a bid, there are three ways to respond:
Positively: or turning toward the bid;
Not reacting at all: or turning away; or
Negatively: turning against.
In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids. Over time, the Gottman’s explain, these moments add up, and it’s these everyday responses to our partners that can make or break the relationship.
In fact, their most famous research study showed that couples who stayed married turned toward one another an average of 86% of the time; while couples who divorced turned toward each other only 33% of the time.
Dave Marrs Makes Something Difficult Look Easy
At the end of each Fixer to Fabulous episode, we see the results of Jenny’s creativity and Dave’s labor. While Dave can’t always perfectly execute Jenny’s ideas, he always crafts something that satisfies her vision.
Now, while I assume the show is heavily edited, and the Marrs’ real-life dynamic may not always be as inspirational, I’ll continue watching for the regular reminder of how to be patient, respectful, and supportive within my marriage.
I’m calling it the “Dave Marrs” method: listen carefully to my husband when he makes bids for my attention or wants my help; nod thoughtfully; and then…find a way to say yes.
Because for me, hearing or seeing Yes, feels a whole lot better than hearing or seeing No.
