7 Things I Wish I’d Known as a Young Mom
what NOT to worry about, what I’m most proud of, and a recent motherhood fail…
A few months ago, a reader named Laura emailed me with an idea for a newsletter topic. She wrote:
“Lately, I find myself looking for a ‘mentor mom.’ My husband and I live in NYC with our preschooler and twin toddlers. I have lots of friends/park acquaintances who are in a similar stage of life, and I’m so grateful for that community.
But I’m also interested in advice or insights from women who are a few years ahead of me in the parenting game, but maybe not so far ahead as my mom.
I think, at the heart of it, I’m always looking for reassurance that things that feel really overwhelming or stressful right now will eventually resolve themselves/won't feel so big :)”
I know exactly how Laura feels. While we gain experience, and our worries about our children change as they grow, the desire for reassurance that we’re doing a good job never goes away.
Last weekend, I attended the 50th birthday party of a friend and watched his mom, in her late 70s, celebrate her son. I thought to myself, ‘That could be me in thirty years,’ and instantly commenced worrying about what it will be like to parent my children when they are middle-aged, grown up with families of their own!
Laura included seven honest questions that many parents of young children grapple with. So, with the benefit of nearly two decades of hindsight, here are my answers.
1. What's something you worried about when your kids were little that doesn't seem like a big deal now?
Kids barely remember their early years. Think about your first memories, do you remember what you ate, wore, or who your first friends were? So much of what we stress about at the start is not relevant to the rest of their lives.
2. What would you tell your younger self to worry less about?
Food. Trying to get picky eaters to consume a variety of foods can be frustrating, and a lot of work (and money!). It’s fine for kids to eat the same thing all the time, as long as it’s healthy.
Enrichment. I was diligent about taking my kids to museums and shows, and signing them up for music, cooking, dance, and sports classes, but they don’t remember any of it!
Potty training. It felt competitive to see whose kids were potty-trained the fastest. Mine were both stubborn and slow, and I felt like I was doing something wrong. The truth is that pushing them before they’re ready often backfires, and every kid is eventually potty trained.
Public manners! It may be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think kids younger than six belong in restaurants where they’re expected to sit still for long periods of time. Ditto for airplanes: if I did it all over again, I would never take a toddler to a restaurant or on any flight over an hour long!
Finally, the “little kid” years are the shortest parenting phase—if it’s hard for you, don’t worry, it won’t last long!
3. What's something (a piece of wisdom, life hack, habit) you wish you'd known earlier in your motherhood journey?
Motherhood has been the most engaging (sometimes infuriating) yet rewarding experience of my life. There’s so much I wish I’d known that I’m writing it all down to pass on to my kids when they become parents!
Here are some tips, mantras, and lessons I’ve learned along the way:
Mantras. When my kids were little, my favorite mantra was from Gretchen Rubin, “The days are long, but the years are short.” These days, if I’m struggling with something, I remind myself that every phase and stage is over relatively quickly, and silently repeat, “This too will pass.”
Family = small business. I wish I’d known how much work raising kids and running a household entails, and that it helps to approach it like running a small business: holding regular discussions and meetings about who is responsible for what, budgets, shared values, and long-term goals and plans.
Don’t go it alone! It’s impossible (and miserable!) for two parents to raise a family with no help, whether that's daycare or a nanny or the blessing of family nearby, so don't be afraid to ask for it—or pay for it!
Give kids their feelings. The parenting book, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” taught me to acknowledge my children’s feelings without judgment. If they say they’re hot, tired, hungry, scared, or nervous, believe them and acknowledge the truth of their experience. Don't tell them they can’t or don’t feel that way! This is foundational to establishing trust and allowing children to be themselves.
Trust your intuition. When I suspected that my daughter was having trouble learning to read in first grade, I was told by everyone, including her teacher and my husband, not to worry about it. But I knew there was something wrong, and it turned out that she was dyslexic. I learned to trust my intuition and to always err on the side of getting something tested or checked.
Timing tricky topics. The tween-parenting book, “How to Hug a Porcupine,” recommends parents talk to kids about sensitive stuff, like puberty, sex, drugs, porn, and alcohol, before they’re teenagers, while they still consider you an expert. It may seem counterintuitive to discuss these topics with pre-teens, but once they become teenagers, it can be very difficult to get them to engage in potentially embarrassing or tough conversations, and they’ll often get their information from friends.
A good life includes more than motherhood. You’re not a bad mother if you don’t want to spend every moment with your kids.
4. What's something you look back on and want to give yourself a gold star for?
I am proud of breaking the cycle of generational trauma in my family. While I believe my parents were doing the best they could, I grew up in a very unhappy home, dominated by violence, poisonous secrets, and mental illness, and I promised myself I would be a better parent. As a child, I constantly fantasized about the type of family I wished I had, and I closely observed my friends’ parents to learn from them.
My primary goal is to know and love my children for who they are, encouraging and allowing them to follow their passions and dreams without imposing judgment (this is hard!). Unconditional love is what I wanted most from my parents, and I believe it’s the greatest gift a child can receive.
I also strive to be honest with my children about everything from my parenting goals and mistakes to the details of my son’s adoption—and while it’s humbling to apologize for missteps, being vulnerable with my kids deepens their trust in me.
5. What do you feel is your best quality as a mother?
One effect of my childhood was that motherhood did not feel easy or natural, and my best quality as a mother is probably my work ethic.
To avoid repeating my parents’ mistakes, I’ve worked hard and been very intentional—I’ve read countless books, taken courses, spent a lot of time in therapy, and surrounded myself with people whose relationship and parenting skills I admire and want to emulate.
6. What do you miss about having younger children? And what don't you miss?
I miss how squishy and cuddly they were! I miss getting to dress them up in cute outfits, especially my daughter, who became very opinionated about her clothes at the age of four!
I both miss and don’t miss the bedtime, bath, and book routine we were in for so many years. It was a lovely, cozy ritual, and it was wonderful to have them in bed and asleep by 7 pm, but it was also repetitive and frustrating, especially when they refused to get in the bath and wanted more books! snacks! glasses of water!
I have never missed the toddler years for one second! I found the tantrums emotionally distressing, and I felt like my kids were tiny maniacs intent on getting into extreme danger: they were always jumping off something, trying to run into busy streets, disappearing from my view in playgrounds and crowds, and generally giving me a heart attack!
7. Tell me something funny that happened with your kids/a motherhood fail—even if you couldn't laugh at the time it happened!
This winter, I made a mistake with my daughter: she is 18, and while I want to encourage her independence, it can be challenging. She was invited to spend a ski weekend with friends, which involved driving further than she’d driven before, and I became overwhelmed with worry about her safety. I tearfully (and irrationally) forbade her from going.
Luckily, my husband maintained a cooler head and helped defuse the situation. My daughter enjoyed the trip, and none of my fears came to pass. Once I calmed down, I sent her a text message to apologize for my outburst, and we talked about it when she got home. I explained to her what I was worried about (teenage driving! snowy roads!) and told her I was sorry for overreacting.
Being open about my mistakes, especially now my kids are teenagers, is key to maintaining a good relationship with them. I want them to be honest when they make mistakes or need help, so I’m encouraging that by modeling the behavior.
What about you? Jump into the comments and share your best and most reassuring advice for a young mom/parent!
Here are the most clicked links from last week’s issue on beauty essentials: unsurprisingly, we all want a healthy (safe!) glow!
Clarins Self Tan Drops (I have been using these for at least a decade, and one tube lasts forever!)
Nuxe’s shimmering dry oil, which
says, “smells like holiday sunshine, bottled!”
The Secrets of Happy Families. The 5 most important lessons from my difficult childhood
How to Be the Happiest Mother on the Block. Good mother vs. should mother.
Sounds Like Teen Spirit. My kids are both officially teenagers, and the thing that surprises me the most about this is…I don’t hate it!
And an extra special thank you to Laura for prompting this topic!
Today, both of my kids will be finished with school for the year, so we’re celebrating and looking forward to relaxing! For next week, I’m thinking about a post on “tips for the lazy entertainer,” partly to remind myself not to avoid having people over out of perfectionism…I’ll see you then!
P.S.: I am so grateful when you hit the ❤️ at the top or bottom of this post: it helps other people discover my work (and warms my heart!). Thank you! ❤️
Yes yes yes and amen. My children are now 33 and 31 (how did THAT happen???) and all of this resonates with me. My only regret from the early years is that I thought as a stay at home mom (during the "mommy wars" of the early 90s) that I had to do that 100%. I think we all could have benefited from a little childcare here and there.
Also, while my children don't remember what they ate, what they wore, etc. they do carry with them the emotional tenor of those early years and if simpler meals, a less tidy house, etc. means a happier mom, go for it!
Final thought- don't believe all the PR about the early years being the BEST years. They are all best- some more challenging than others (I'm looking at you, late teens!), but all intensely interesting, engaging, and wonderful to be alongside our kids at every age. Having adult children is wonderful!
I *love* a parent that can apologize to their kid. That is something that's really important to me in my own parenting.