A Holiday Not-To-Do List

how to ensure you have time and energy for the people and traditions that mean the most

Dec 08, 2023

Last week, a friend texted a brilliant suggestion for an essay: A Holiday “Not-To-Do List.”

Her note made me laugh because I knew exactly what she meant: there are so many extra things to do at this time of year that it can feel overwhelming and decidedly unmagical. Making a list of things we’ve deemed unimportant is a good reminder – and permission – to focus on what does bring joy. Some of the items on her not-to-do list:

not waste time shopping for gifts in person;
not wrap any presents on Christmas Eve;
not buy new wrapping paper or bows until I have used all that I already have.

I’m the opposite of my friend in one way because I’d like to minimize my online holiday shopping so that there’s less waste to deal with, but I heartily agree with her vows about using up the wrapping paper we already have and not staying up late on Christmas Eve. I do not have fond memories of assembling and wrapping complicated toys, knowing the kids would be up soon…

I love many things about this season, from our annual Thanksgiving trip, and my mother-in-law’s famous candy, to receiving holiday cards and perusing beautifully decorated stores; and I want to feel joyful, not frazzled. My ideal vibe is two-thirds hibernation and one-third social butterfly: mostly slow family time at home doing puzzles, making cozy stews, and watching movies, punctuated with a few fun and festive get-togethers.

To ensure I have time and energy for the people and traditions that mean the most to me, below are four things I’m putting on my own Holiday Not-To-Do List…

1. Not Pretend I’m Someone Else

Erin Boyle

writes, “Make magic, but skip the magical thinking. On holidays, like all days, everyone remains themselves. A mother who hates being in a messy kitchen with lots of people crowding around her, might well have a panic attack while decorating gingerbread cookies. A dad who has a low tolerance for his feet getting cold is gonna be a real bummer at the annual outdoor menorah lighting.”

As a mom who hates being in a messy kitchen (and doesn’t like cookies!), I’m keeping Erin’s philosophy in mind when deciding what to say yes to:

“…I think it’s a good rule of thumb to do for my kids and loved ones what I actually want to do myself…If the local holiday train ride/pajama party/other vaguely commercialized Christmas enterprise…brings me no small expenditure and no small stress, I opt out…”

2. Not Stress over Giving Perfect Gifts

As a recovering perfectionist, I feel overwhelmed with intense pressure to find the perfect presents for a variety of people on a deadline: I want to give things that will surprise and delight but I also feel paralyzed by choice.

This wonderful idea from

Dinner: A Love Story

may be a way forward for me: using a questionnaire (or asking a set of thoughtful questions) of the people on my gift list to come up with creative ideas like this one:

“…(my) son noted that after recent a move to a new town, he still didn't really know what the best local restaurants were. So I researched restaurants for him and gave him a collection of gift cards to new restaurants and coffee shops.”

Something I’ve long dreamed of but haven’t yet achieved is a signature holiday gift, or, as I think of it, one gift to rule them all. My fantasy is something I can buy multiples of, is easy to wrap, and works for everyone on my list. If this happens to be your fantasy too, check out the hundreds of wonderful suggestions from

Joanna Goddard

and the Cup of Jo community on this topic.

Separately, I am thrilled to announce that following some highly scientific research conducted over the Thanksgiving break, I may have landed on something that’s right for my crew: a comfy, cozy fleece. I (casually) floated this idea with family members of all ages (from moms of babies to grandparents) and got an enthusiastic endorsement. I’m starting to think I could do variations on this each year – different colors, textures, and maybe even fleece vests…

3. Not Do It All

This time last year, following my annual December-stress-induced meltdown, Jim and I had a game-changing conversation about splitting the holiday-related duties between us.

For some reason (social norms!) I had automatically assumed responsibility for everything from sending out our holiday cards, decorating the Christmas tree, buying gifts for our extended families, booking holiday travel arrangements…the list goes on.

Having a conversation about how we could divide things fairly between us meant that I didn’t spend weeks stomping around feeling put-upon, exhausted, and grinchy.

4. Not Blame Myself If My Kids Meltdown

Melinda Wenner Moyer

explains why children can be difficult during the holidays and suggests strategies to ease this, like:

“Here’s the thing: No matter what you do this holiday season, and no matter how amazing you and your kids are, your children are probably going to scream and cry and defy you and talk back. That’s OK. Let them have their feelings. Don’t tell them to calm down or that they’re making a scene. Tell them that you love them and that it’s fine that they’re upset (but do clarify that they’re not allowed to throw shrimp cocktail at Aunt Gertrude). Their meltdowns don’t mean they’re ungrateful, spoiled, devil children, no matter what your in-laws might insinuate. They’re just kids being kids. In December.”

We all have different things we look forward to and dread about the holidays, and I’d love to know: what do you most love about this time of year…and what’s on your Holiday Not-To-Do List?