My good mother list includes sitting down to read, knit, sew, or write, in front of them everyday! Mom is a person too & I want them to see that their enjoyment & creativity has value! As far as chores
Oh, I love that Kaitlin. "Mothering by example" is essentially my go-to strategy and it's so important to show that we have lives - and that when/if they become parents they get to have lives, too!
I love the idea of the list! My #1 rule is: " I'm the most important person in my life, in order to serve you as the most important in yours, for your first decade and beyond" - Being the healthiest I can, prioritizing my mental health, having a good relationship with my partner will enable me to be the best mom I can be.
Realizing that my kid needs me and I need to show up in the best version that's available to me :) - I just love her so much and am so grateful she's my daughter bc she makes me so happy, that I really want to do a good job and make her happy and safe. Corny, I know.
For me, I feel best about myself as a parent when I feel connected to my kids, not overly stressed out about the worries of the day or like my behavior is motivated by “shoulds” (real or imagined). I gave myself a very large mental 🏆 when I didn’t try to enhance my kid’s very simple cat “costume” (which was truly costume adjacent). It was good enough for her, so I moved on.
yes - it's all about feeling connected to our kids - I love that way of framing it. I find I need regular reminders to myself of what's important to ME because I can easily become swayed by other people/parents and what they're doing.
It's so powerful to see the list - I think we make parenting really complicated in our culture these days....doing something as commonsensical as carefully listening is everything!!! xo
It took me a very long time to break the habit of the "shoulds". I think if I had littles of my own I would have to start that work all over again.😭 As always, you're an inspiration and your teenagers are so lucky to have you!
oh, I'm so impressed that you've broken the shoulds! for me, I break some, and then others sneak up on me! my daughter IS fun! thank you for saying that!
I love this idea! My list is very similar. I'd also add demonstrate having interests and passions outside of just my children and family. My parents always had other things going on, and, in retrospect, I think it was really good for us! Vs. others I have heard feeling so much pressure to be the one source of happiness and purpose in their parents lives.
🙌🙌🙌🙌 Yes to having our own hobbies and friends and interests. And not even to model it, per se, but just because it’s nice. A mom recently told me her kid’s dance studio offers adult tap at the same time it teaches hip hop for 11 year-olds. She’s happily clacking away on Monday nights!
oh gosh, yes, that's a good one! I believe that too - but will often catch myself feeling guilty for doing my own social stuff/hobbies/sports and not being with the kids. no guilt!
Love this! As far as my Good Mother list I am very similar to you. I make sure they always have the space and resources to pursue their dreams and goals. I make sure I am available to them as much as possible and try and not be out too often when they are home in the evenings. I also am big on traditions and memories and make sure they have family traditions ( usually unconventional) that they can look back on and look forward to each year!
On my "Should List" I do not really put much effort into organizing "playdates" ( or whatever you call them for older kids). My kids are so busy all week and I am so busy making their schedule happen that I just can't manage their social calendar as well!
I love that you have family traditions on your list. I need to add that to mine. Agreed - it can be anything - as a family some of our best times have been at very casual restaurants where we all happen to love the food! Christmas as a family is now special to us too - just the 4 of us at home lazing around all day!
Mom of a 10 yo, here. I highly recommend Dr. Lisa Damour’s books Untangled (about the tween to teen transition for girls) and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. One of her main messages is about how many ways there are for us to get things right. Her podcast is also excellent. In general, I’m reminded of the time we hired an expensive dog trainer to teach our dog to walk better on a leash and not be afraid of metal stairs. Spoiler alert: the lessons weren’t really about “the dog.” 😉
A little goes a long way. My biggest takeaway so far from her work is that 13 can be a tough year, but we shouldn’t let that scare us into thinking it’s a preview of things to come. The second - and I think about this a lot - is that some friction with our adolescent kid is not only okay, but a healthy part of development. Also, her take on swearing (recent podcast) was surprising and refreshing!
I completely agree with the fact that friction will be a part of the parent/teen relationship - they're job is to become independent and move away from us and of course that comes with some friction. I love Lisa D's swimming pool analogy! I also try to always remember that I'm the adult parent not the friend - I think it's easy to confuse these roles when our teens are surly and we want them to like us!
was just thinking about this more: girls and boys develop so differently. I had the most difficult time with my daughter when she was between 9-13 when her body was rapidly changing and hormones (and middle school drama) were in the mix. those years were not my favorite. I did a lot of gently reminding her I loved her and was not the enemy...
Mothershould the Musical—I’m guessing that pretty much everyone with kids can relate! I’m just a cat mom, but I feel the pressure of so many other “shoulds” in my life…I know motherhood would send them into overdrive.
Love your list of true priorities, Amelia, and this entire framework for tackling a tough mental challenge.
hmmmmm, there's already a musical called Cats but I'm failing to come up with the cat-mom-should version! seriously: we are all (especially women) so burdened with shoulds we don't even realize it, a lot of the time!
I always say the big shift happens when you stop doing things FOR your children, and start doing things WITH your children. My kids are in college--it just gets better and better.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that - I was just typing a reply to a comment saying I am hoping to continue enjoying my kids as they become adults and continue growing up!
I really enjoy them as teenagers and am hoping that continues as they become adults! I feel like it's the master goal of parenting: for them to grow up and become people we love hanging out with! You're so lucky to enjoy the little years - I wished I did but just didn't!
My good mother list includes sitting down to read, knit, sew, or write, in front of them everyday! Mom is a person too & I want them to see that their enjoyment & creativity has value! As far as chores
Oh, I love that Kaitlin. "Mothering by example" is essentially my go-to strategy and it's so important to show that we have lives - and that when/if they become parents they get to have lives, too!
I love the idea of the list! My #1 rule is: " I'm the most important person in my life, in order to serve you as the most important in yours, for your first decade and beyond" - Being the healthiest I can, prioritizing my mental health, having a good relationship with my partner will enable me to be the best mom I can be.
wow - that's a great mantra/rule to live by! how did you come up with it?
Realizing that my kid needs me and I need to show up in the best version that's available to me :) - I just love her so much and am so grateful she's my daughter bc she makes me so happy, that I really want to do a good job and make her happy and safe. Corny, I know.
not corny! inspirational! she is VERY lucky to have you!
For me, I feel best about myself as a parent when I feel connected to my kids, not overly stressed out about the worries of the day or like my behavior is motivated by “shoulds” (real or imagined). I gave myself a very large mental 🏆 when I didn’t try to enhance my kid’s very simple cat “costume” (which was truly costume adjacent). It was good enough for her, so I moved on.
yes - it's all about feeling connected to our kids - I love that way of framing it. I find I need regular reminders to myself of what's important to ME because I can easily become swayed by other people/parents and what they're doing.
Exactly!
It's so powerful to see the list - I think we make parenting really complicated in our culture these days....doing something as commonsensical as carefully listening is everything!!! xo
Yes, way too much overthinking and obligating!
Your daughter looks so fun!
It took me a very long time to break the habit of the "shoulds". I think if I had littles of my own I would have to start that work all over again.😭 As always, you're an inspiration and your teenagers are so lucky to have you!
oh, I'm so impressed that you've broken the shoulds! for me, I break some, and then others sneak up on me! my daughter IS fun! thank you for saying that!
I love this idea! My list is very similar. I'd also add demonstrate having interests and passions outside of just my children and family. My parents always had other things going on, and, in retrospect, I think it was really good for us! Vs. others I have heard feeling so much pressure to be the one source of happiness and purpose in their parents lives.
🙌🙌🙌🙌 Yes to having our own hobbies and friends and interests. And not even to model it, per se, but just because it’s nice. A mom recently told me her kid’s dance studio offers adult tap at the same time it teaches hip hop for 11 year-olds. She’s happily clacking away on Monday nights!
oh gosh, yes, that's a good one! I believe that too - but will often catch myself feeling guilty for doing my own social stuff/hobbies/sports and not being with the kids. no guilt!
Love this! As far as my Good Mother list I am very similar to you. I make sure they always have the space and resources to pursue their dreams and goals. I make sure I am available to them as much as possible and try and not be out too often when they are home in the evenings. I also am big on traditions and memories and make sure they have family traditions ( usually unconventional) that they can look back on and look forward to each year!
On my "Should List" I do not really put much effort into organizing "playdates" ( or whatever you call them for older kids). My kids are so busy all week and I am so busy making their schedule happen that I just can't manage their social calendar as well!
I’d love to hear more of your unconventional family traditions!
and I don’t bake anything!!
I love that you have family traditions on your list. I need to add that to mine. Agreed - it can be anything - as a family some of our best times have been at very casual restaurants where we all happen to love the food! Christmas as a family is now special to us too - just the 4 of us at home lazing around all day!
I would love to hear more about having teenagers...my 11 year old daughter is shifting so much at the moment and sometimes I feel at a loss!
Mom of a 10 yo, here. I highly recommend Dr. Lisa Damour’s books Untangled (about the tween to teen transition for girls) and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. One of her main messages is about how many ways there are for us to get things right. Her podcast is also excellent. In general, I’m reminded of the time we hired an expensive dog trainer to teach our dog to walk better on a leash and not be afraid of metal stairs. Spoiler alert: the lessons weren’t really about “the dog.” 😉
Amazing. Thank you so much Kelly. I'm on. I need training!
A little goes a long way. My biggest takeaway so far from her work is that 13 can be a tough year, but we shouldn’t let that scare us into thinking it’s a preview of things to come. The second - and I think about this a lot - is that some friction with our adolescent kid is not only okay, but a healthy part of development. Also, her take on swearing (recent podcast) was surprising and refreshing!
I completely agree with the fact that friction will be a part of the parent/teen relationship - they're job is to become independent and move away from us and of course that comes with some friction. I love Lisa D's swimming pool analogy! I also try to always remember that I'm the adult parent not the friend - I think it's easy to confuse these roles when our teens are surly and we want them to like us!
co-sign Lisa Damour's books for girls - Untangled was my bible for a few years there!
was just thinking about this more: girls and boys develop so differently. I had the most difficult time with my daughter when she was between 9-13 when her body was rapidly changing and hormones (and middle school drama) were in the mix. those years were not my favorite. I did a lot of gently reminding her I loved her and was not the enemy...
100%
you got it! it's on my mind a lot with a soon-to-be 14 year old and an 18 year old!
Mothershould the Musical—I’m guessing that pretty much everyone with kids can relate! I’m just a cat mom, but I feel the pressure of so many other “shoulds” in my life…I know motherhood would send them into overdrive.
Love your list of true priorities, Amelia, and this entire framework for tackling a tough mental challenge.
hmmmmm, there's already a musical called Cats but I'm failing to come up with the cat-mom-should version! seriously: we are all (especially women) so burdened with shoulds we don't even realize it, a lot of the time!
I always say the big shift happens when you stop doing things FOR your children, and start doing things WITH your children. My kids are in college--it just gets better and better.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that - I was just typing a reply to a comment saying I am hoping to continue enjoying my kids as they become adults and continue growing up!
i love that you don't hate that your kids are teenagers. as a mom of littles, who tends to love every age and stage, it's the coolest thing to hear!
I really enjoy them as teenagers and am hoping that continues as they become adults! I feel like it's the master goal of parenting: for them to grow up and become people we love hanging out with! You're so lucky to enjoy the little years - I wished I did but just didn't!