What a beautiful essay. Thank you for this. Found my way here from AHP’s thread. A lot of your experience resonated with me, although my parents were not as extreme, they exhibited/exhibit a lot of similarities. I had a good childhood—our family climbed from middle to upper-middle class and I played an expensive sport—so I felt that something was always wrong with me that I had sad and depressive episodes in my teens, 20s, and 30s. In therapy this year I’ve come to recognize the *subtle trauma* I experienced growing up. Didn’t know that was a thing! Even if we were financially stable, I grew up in an emotionally unstable environment. What’s more, my sister is 7 years older so she was out of the house for much of my mother’s inflammatory and cruel episodes (name calling, door slamming, guilt tripping, etc) such that it’s hard to compare our adolescent/formative years. That emotional uncertainty meant I was always tiptoeing around her feelings, and always trying to be good enough—if something blew up, I feared it was my fault. I have also since received compliments in professional settings for “bringing order to chaos”. I won’t be putting and lessons learned into practice with my own kids since my husband and I aren’t having children, but your takeaways are spot on and what I hope to give the children in my life.
Oh Jeri, thank you for writing and for sharing your experience. I bet your insights and wisdom are helpful for your friends who do become parents as well as the children in your life. My biggest takeaway from my childhood and from thinking about this a lot is that it's super-important for parents to focus on their own wellbeing and happiness - even if it feels (or may be judged) selfish to do so. Thank you so much for reading. ❤️
An incredible piece dearest Amelia. Your ‘why’ is so poignant and powerful. Gosh i hope you are as proud of yourself as you rightly should be. I also wish I could give younger you a big hug! For now, hugs and high fives to you from across the pond. I think you’re just amazing ♥️ keep going and growing. Your work is a gift to so many of us ✨✨✨ and I feel so inspired to be honest and open and love without boundaries with my family too. Thank you x
oh gosh, that means such a lot from you Emily! thank you! I really appreciate your support and kind words and I hope it’s not too long til I get to see you and give you a big hug! xoxo Amelia
Thank you for sharing your story and these lessons. (The first one on respect - whew! That one is HUGE. Such a great reminder.) I just want to give your childhood self a huge hug. I hope you are proud of the life and beautiful family you’ve built. It takes courage and real strength to do that.
Your's is a heartbreaking story told with honesty and courage. As you seek and dispense your invaluable insights into happiness, you should know that you are beautiful, talented, loved, and admired. All the things your mother said you could never be, you are, and then some.
oh thank you so much, my good friend! it's amazing how much power you take away from the negative words and comments when you write them down and say them out loud.
I feel all of this, my childhood was different to yours, very different to most, but the impact had a similar effect to you and I too, as you know, choose happiness, joy, positivity and Brene' Brown ...'you have to own your story, or it owns you' - it's taken me 60 years to process, boy am I happy with myself for choosing to do that!
I felt every word of this as I read it - and I send you my heartfelt happiest for choosing happiness - with love, Mary xx
it really does take a long time to process this stuff, doesn't it? I didn't tell anyone about the physical abuse in our house until I was in my 40s - and then I felt so much better I couldn't believe I'd been keeping it a secret for so long when I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm so glad you're happy now too - and that you have a beautiful, happy family! lots of love, Amelia
Oh yes it takes so long, there's complexity and often confusion so it's not surprising. Ah yes, the unloading of that heavy thing, when you finally put it down, it's wonderfully freeing. I have an aversion to secrets, and I feel for those who live with them. Happy days, every day, I'm so glad for you too Amelia xx
It’s so obvious you have done the hard work to understand your past and your insights are now so clear. I wish I could have processed some of this myself more to give you better support at the time but I was figuring out my own issues then too. You have made such a beautiful life with a focus on continual leaning and I love getting new tips from you. ❤️
thanks Sal, it's all a work in progress! you and all the Cleary's were a huge support to me - we all have to figure our own stuff out and there's only so much anyone else can do. it's also going to be interesting to hear from my kids what their issues are once they're grown up - and how Jim and I could have done better!
I hate that you had to go through so much to become who you are today. I wish it could have been better. No child should have to go through that. Well done on breaking the cycle x
Oh Amelia. Thank you so much for sharing this so openly and honestly. So much of this resonated with my own childhood experince. I was brought up amidst my mother’s undiagnosed mental illness and my father’s complete lack of emotional availibity. It lead to me be forced to raise myself and never really have a strong sense of family love. Now as a wife and mother myself my guiding principle is to do the opposite of my parents in all things. I work so hard to be close to my children and create a loving, warm home for them because I was never given one. Even now I mourn that my children do not have grandparents to be close to. At 43 I am still grieving the childhood I didn’t have and parts of me still wait for my parents to show up for me in ways they were never and will never be able to. I have all but cut off contact with my father recently and my mother and I rarely speak. I just hope that I am laying the groundwork for my children to have a completly different experince than I did. I want them to feel safe and loved always. Part of a close family unit.
I'm rooting for you, Sara - I know how hard it is to go it alone without your parents' support. It feels unfair and like so much work to have to parent yourself as well as your children and it can be hard to explain to other people what it feels like-although noone has a perfect childhood. It's amazing how strong our yearning for our parents' unconditional love and approval is - which is such a good thing to remember with our own kids - all they really need is to know (and feel) that we love them no matter what. Thank you so much for reading❤️❤️❤️
Continue to be in awe of your resilience and intelligent observations on life. Thank you for being willing to share and it’s a benefit to all of us. Love you. ❤️
What a beautiful essay. Thank you for this. Found my way here from AHP’s thread. A lot of your experience resonated with me, although my parents were not as extreme, they exhibited/exhibit a lot of similarities. I had a good childhood—our family climbed from middle to upper-middle class and I played an expensive sport—so I felt that something was always wrong with me that I had sad and depressive episodes in my teens, 20s, and 30s. In therapy this year I’ve come to recognize the *subtle trauma* I experienced growing up. Didn’t know that was a thing! Even if we were financially stable, I grew up in an emotionally unstable environment. What’s more, my sister is 7 years older so she was out of the house for much of my mother’s inflammatory and cruel episodes (name calling, door slamming, guilt tripping, etc) such that it’s hard to compare our adolescent/formative years. That emotional uncertainty meant I was always tiptoeing around her feelings, and always trying to be good enough—if something blew up, I feared it was my fault. I have also since received compliments in professional settings for “bringing order to chaos”. I won’t be putting and lessons learned into practice with my own kids since my husband and I aren’t having children, but your takeaways are spot on and what I hope to give the children in my life.
Oh Jeri, thank you for writing and for sharing your experience. I bet your insights and wisdom are helpful for your friends who do become parents as well as the children in your life. My biggest takeaway from my childhood and from thinking about this a lot is that it's super-important for parents to focus on their own wellbeing and happiness - even if it feels (or may be judged) selfish to do so. Thank you so much for reading. ❤️
Did you just teach me how to be a person???
An incredible piece dearest Amelia. Your ‘why’ is so poignant and powerful. Gosh i hope you are as proud of yourself as you rightly should be. I also wish I could give younger you a big hug! For now, hugs and high fives to you from across the pond. I think you’re just amazing ♥️ keep going and growing. Your work is a gift to so many of us ✨✨✨ and I feel so inspired to be honest and open and love without boundaries with my family too. Thank you x
oh gosh, that means such a lot from you Emily! thank you! I really appreciate your support and kind words and I hope it’s not too long til I get to see you and give you a big hug! xoxo Amelia
Thank you for sharing your story and these lessons. (The first one on respect - whew! That one is HUGE. Such a great reminder.) I just want to give your childhood self a huge hug. I hope you are proud of the life and beautiful family you’ve built. It takes courage and real strength to do that.
Thank you so much for reading and for the very kind words ❤️
Thank you for this wonderful piece, Amelia. 💛
thank you for reading! ❤️
Your's is a heartbreaking story told with honesty and courage. As you seek and dispense your invaluable insights into happiness, you should know that you are beautiful, talented, loved, and admired. All the things your mother said you could never be, you are, and then some.
oh thank you so much, my good friend! it's amazing how much power you take away from the negative words and comments when you write them down and say them out loud.
thank you for sharing!
Oh Amelia,
I feel all of this, my childhood was different to yours, very different to most, but the impact had a similar effect to you and I too, as you know, choose happiness, joy, positivity and Brene' Brown ...'you have to own your story, or it owns you' - it's taken me 60 years to process, boy am I happy with myself for choosing to do that!
I felt every word of this as I read it - and I send you my heartfelt happiest for choosing happiness - with love, Mary xx
it really does take a long time to process this stuff, doesn't it? I didn't tell anyone about the physical abuse in our house until I was in my 40s - and then I felt so much better I couldn't believe I'd been keeping it a secret for so long when I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm so glad you're happy now too - and that you have a beautiful, happy family! lots of love, Amelia
Oh yes it takes so long, there's complexity and often confusion so it's not surprising. Ah yes, the unloading of that heavy thing, when you finally put it down, it's wonderfully freeing. I have an aversion to secrets, and I feel for those who live with them. Happy days, every day, I'm so glad for you too Amelia xx
I’m happy for you too! Lots and lots of love!
Big love Amelia xx
Wow wow wow Amelia. Thank you for sharing this.
thank you so much for reading ❤️
Thank you for sharing.
thank you for reading Elizabeth ❤️
dear amelia, you have incredible courage, strength and intelligence to overcome and
work hard to have the life you want and
deserve. congratulations for being strong and public about your origins.
thank you Ginny, that's very kind of you to say ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story and reflections xx
thank you so much for reading, Kathryn ❤️
It’s so obvious you have done the hard work to understand your past and your insights are now so clear. I wish I could have processed some of this myself more to give you better support at the time but I was figuring out my own issues then too. You have made such a beautiful life with a focus on continual leaning and I love getting new tips from you. ❤️
thanks Sal, it's all a work in progress! you and all the Cleary's were a huge support to me - we all have to figure our own stuff out and there's only so much anyone else can do. it's also going to be interesting to hear from my kids what their issues are once they're grown up - and how Jim and I could have done better!
I hate that you had to go through so much to become who you are today. I wish it could have been better. No child should have to go through that. Well done on breaking the cycle x
thank you (and Penny and Peter and Zoe) for your steadfast support ❤️
Oh Amelia. Thank you so much for sharing this so openly and honestly. So much of this resonated with my own childhood experince. I was brought up amidst my mother’s undiagnosed mental illness and my father’s complete lack of emotional availibity. It lead to me be forced to raise myself and never really have a strong sense of family love. Now as a wife and mother myself my guiding principle is to do the opposite of my parents in all things. I work so hard to be close to my children and create a loving, warm home for them because I was never given one. Even now I mourn that my children do not have grandparents to be close to. At 43 I am still grieving the childhood I didn’t have and parts of me still wait for my parents to show up for me in ways they were never and will never be able to. I have all but cut off contact with my father recently and my mother and I rarely speak. I just hope that I am laying the groundwork for my children to have a completly different experince than I did. I want them to feel safe and loved always. Part of a close family unit.
Again, thank you for sharing.
I'm rooting for you, Sara - I know how hard it is to go it alone without your parents' support. It feels unfair and like so much work to have to parent yourself as well as your children and it can be hard to explain to other people what it feels like-although noone has a perfect childhood. It's amazing how strong our yearning for our parents' unconditional love and approval is - which is such a good thing to remember with our own kids - all they really need is to know (and feel) that we love them no matter what. Thank you so much for reading❤️❤️❤️
Continue to be in awe of your resilience and intelligent observations on life. Thank you for being willing to share and it’s a benefit to all of us. Love you. ❤️
thank you for reading and for being such a wonderful source of inspiration for "what to do" when it comes to parenting and family life! ❤️