The Surprising Power of Friendship

it's better than exercise!

Hello and happy Friday! How has your week been?

I have exciting news to report: my Gentle January focused on FUN and friendship is off to a good start, and I can honestly say I feel an uptick in happiness.

This should not be a surprise! I’ve read hundreds of personal development books, think pieces, and research studies - especially those with “happiness” in the title - and have gleaned quite a bit of knowledge.

I’ve read entire books explaining that the activities that bring the greatest joy are those we can do every day: cooking and eating good food, spending time with loved ones and friends, resting, meditating, taking care of our homes and our bodies, following our curiosity and expanding our minds, doing meaningful work, and laughing often.

But here’s the thing: while I’m reading, I nod along, agreeing that it all makes perfect sense, and then, once I’m finished, I resume my life exactly as it was before - feeling OK, but with room for improvement.

No longer! I’ve decided this year will be different…

2023: The Year I Will Actually Follow Happiness Advice

This year, I will take the wisdom from the books and articles, put it into practice, and see what works for me. Like a version of Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project, but without all the rules and spreadsheets.

What’s the point?

Right now, my working goal is something like this: to prioritize my time around pursuits that are proven to lead to good health and happiness; to encounter setbacks with grace, patience, and humor; to feel at peace and at ease within myself; and above all, to feel and be more fun!

Another thing I know from my years of informal happiness research: the pursuit of happiness need not be expensive or complicated.

Now, where to start?

The Master Key to Happiness: Relationships

Numerous studies, including the longest-running study on human happiness in the world, have proven that strong and close relationships are the key, not only to happiness but also to good health.

Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and professor who is the Director of the 75-year Harvard Study of Adult Development, is crystal clear about the study’s findings:

“Strong relationships are what make for a happy life. More than wealth, I.Q. or social class, it’s the robustness of our bonds that most determines whether we feel fulfilled.”

“… how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health… it wasn’t [study participants’] middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old; it was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”

I naturally prioritize the relationships right in front of me: my husband and children are the people I live with, and I don’t need an expert to prove the importance of tending to those relationships.

But my friendships are another story: many of my closest friends live far away; and if I don’t make plans with the friends who do live nearby, I can go for long stretches without seeing them.

Apparently, I’m not alone: being an adult often means friendships fall to the bottom of our priorities.

Happiness Priority Number One: Friendships

The research is clear: while strong relationships with family members are important, our social connections are equally powerful in shaping our health and happiness. In fact, this 2019 study found that the strength of a person’s social circle was a better predictor of stress, happiness, and well-being levels than physical activity, heart rate, and sleep.

Sometimes I feel like I need permission to spend time doing things that are purely fun, and so learning about this connection between relationships, longevity, and robust health was a welcome surprise, and a clear (science-based!) incentive to prioritize my friendships.

Making It Happen

It takes time and effort to arrange even one-on-one “dates” with friends, and with the competing demands of work, parenting, and life, making plans to get together with friends can feel comically exhausting!

Here’s what’s worked for me so far:

• get-togethers with four people or less (more people = more scheduling variables!);

• standing weekly dates (just put it in the calendar and show up!); and

• combining a physical activity (like tennis or a hike) with seeing friends, thereby doing two healthy things at the same time!

This week, I’ve seen close friends in person on three occasions, which, I was happy to note, roughly tallies with the habits of 18 “leading happiness experts” surveyed by Time Magazine. The majority gathered socially with non-work friends or family members who didn’t live within their household at least once a week, and many did so three to four times per week.

As an experiment, I took the information about friendships being more important than exercise to heart and prioritized traveling to see a friend several hours away over a workout one day this week. It felt good.

And while I did text and e-mail several friends to check in and catch up, one piece of friend-strengthening advice I didn’t put into practice this week, was to schedule a short phone call.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I put off calling friends because I don’t have enough time to really fully up, but this thoughtful piece recommends simply scheduling 8-minute phone calls to take the pressure off the feeling that you must spend an hour chatting.

“Hearing the sound of a loved one’s voice, said Claudia Glaser-Mussen, a psychotherapist in New York City, “is emotionally regulating…and enough that all the bonding hormones start to hit.”

Acquaintances Matter!

Sometimes life gets in the way: a child is sick, work is overwhelming, and plans with friends get canceled.

But even when we can’t spend as much time with loved ones as we’d like, researcher Gillian Sandstrom has found that substantial joy is derived from brief interactions with strangers and acquaintances and that on days when study participants had greater numbers of casual interactions with “weak ties” – say, a local barista, a neighbor, a member of a yoga class – they experienced more happiness and a greater sense of belonging.

Interestingly, most of my physical exercise is comprised of playing racquet sports with people I don’t know particularly well; while I had noticed how much I enjoy the brief and polite camaraderie that these relationships entail, I hadn’t thought of them as contributing to my overall sense of happiness.

So, now, in addition to setting aside time to spend with close friends, I will pay attention to these “weak-tie” opportunities, too.

How do you make time for your friendships? Any tips? I’d love to hear them!

What’s Next?

It seems to me that with some planning, every single day is an opportunity to strengthen friendships and boost happiness.

I’ll endeavor to continue seeing close friends in person three to four times each week, and if I have a day that doesn’t include playing a game with acquaintances or seeing a close friend; I will employ the other research-tested friendship strategies:

• schedule an 8-minute call; and

• maximize my interactions with the people I come across in shops, restaurants, and on the street.

Have a Wonderful Weekend!

Thank you for reading! I hope you have a lovely weekend planned.

We’re looking forward to having some friends and their kids over this weekend - which is, of course, another great way to deepen friendships…and should probably be the topic of another note!
xo
Amelia

P.S.: A quote from the 28th US President, Woodrow Wilson:

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together."