The Surprising Thing About The American Dream

Apr 23, 2023

Earlier this week I read a quote I couldn’t stop thinking about. In an interview, Terry Real, a well-known marriage therapist, and best-selling author said:

People talk about the American dream, in which your kids have a better life than you do. And we always think about it materialistically. But I think about it psychologically and spiritually — changing the legacy of how you were raised and handing your kids a new default that is kinder and more humane and wiser.

I loved this idea. Focusing on the goal of raising my children to be emotionally sturdy and wise - and becoming psychologically stronger myself in order to do this - appeals because it feels within my control to achieve. After all, beyond ensuring they get a good education, once my children are adults, their financial decisions will be up to them.

And I’d heard that the economic American Dream was in peril…

My understanding of the meaning of the American Dream was in line with Mr. Real’s.

Based on what I’d read in the media, absorbed from advertising, and heard from politicians,1 I believed that at the heart of the American Dream were two financial goals: to make more money than your parents and own a home. Ideally with a white picket fence.

And I had learned, from headlines like Why The American Dream Is Dead, that this economic promise was on life support, if not terminal.

A 2017 Stanford study quantified The Fading American Dream, and in 2016, the NY Times reported on "…an economy that disappoints a huge number of people who have heard that they live in a country where life gets better, only to experience something quite different.”

Which is when I found something surprising…

It turns out that when you ask people, money is not at the center of how Americans define the “dream” for themselves.

In 2017 (the same year Stanford asserted that the American Dream was fading based on income levels) Pew Research asked American adults what was important or essential to their view of the American Dream. Most people ranked “Freedom of choice in how to live” and “Have a good family life” far above “Become wealthy.”

In fact, 40% of respondents said that being wealthy was not important in their vision of the American dream, by far the highest share among the seven items on the poll. In addition, the study reported that “…most Americans say they have achieved the “American dream” or are on their way to achieving it…”

Was this a one-off, I wondered?

It wasn’t.

A 2019 study by the American Enterprise Institute and the University of Chicago reported widespread agreement among American adults that becoming wealthy is not essential to the American dream. In that study, only 16% nationally said it was essential, while 83% of respondents ranked “to have a good family life” as essential.

From the report:

Significantly more people believe having the freedom to live their lives as they choose and having fulfilling family lives are essential to the American dream than think homeownership, wealth, and having a better quality of life than one’s parents are essential. This is true across demographic groups. About eight in 10 Americans believe they are living the dream or are on their way to achieving it.

And earlier this year, a Civic Science study found that American adults believe that their home life and family are the most important ingredients of happiness and success. Money and career ranked far behind.

Maybe it’s not so surprising, after all…

The phrase, “American dream” was popularized during the Great Depression by James Truslow Adams (no relation to the Presidents) in his bestselling 1931 book, The Epic of America. Adams believed America had become too concerned with material well-being instead of pursuing the higher dreams and aspirations the country had been founded on, and far from promoting materialism, the book was, in fact, Adams’ attempt to diagnose the mistakes that lead to widespread economic collapse.

He wrote:

…that America was that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement. It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position.

And there’s more good news!

Learning that most Americans value fulfilling family and home lives and the freedom to follow their own paths to happiness above material things feels refreshing and hopeful to me - and a timely reminder to look beyond negative headlines and fear-mongering political rhetoric for the real story.

Oh, and maybe the economic dream’s not so dead after all... Just this week, The Atlantic reported that millennials, now mostly in their 30’s and 40’s, are in fact, doing better economically than their parents:

Millennials, as a group, are not broke—they are, in fact, thriving economically. That wasn’t true a decade ago, and prosperity within the generation today is not evenly shared. But since the mid-2010s, Millennials on the whole have made a breathtaking financial comeback.

There’s nothing like a few days sick at home to catch up on some reading and TV viewing. Here’s the rundown:

What I’ve Read

While waiting for Emily Henry’s latest, Happy Place, to come out this Tuesday, I’ve been delving into vintage psychological thrillers: Misery (it really holds up!), You Should Have Known (the limited series, The Undoing was based on it), and Between Here and April (warning: it’s dark!).

What I’ve Watched

And while waiting for tonight’s episode of Succession, I caught up on the latest episodes of The Last Thing He Told Me, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and Ted Lasso. I also caught up on where the Succession characters would eat in NYC…

I found the Judy Blume documentary, Forever, deeply inspiring. A confession: as a sheltered Catholic schoolgirl, I wasn’t allowed to read any of her books, and still haven’t… I’ve resolved to rectify this by reading Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret, before I see the movie, which looks adorable!

While laid up, I also binged all of The Diplomat with Kerri Russell. I can’t say I loved it - but I also couldn’t stop watching. I kept trying to figure out if the show was seriously exploring the perils of a political marital alliance like Clinton/Clinton, or Abedin/Weiner or if it was meant to be a comedy. I still don’t know!

In other TV news, I’m hearing good things about Unstable with Rob Lowe and Wellmania - a new Aussie comedy.

What To Cook

Craving something delicious to eat is always a sign that an illness is receding, so it was nice to wake up this morning fantasizing about Rosemary-Garlic Roasted Chicken and Gnocchi. It’s perfect for Sunday dinner!