What's Your Favorite Parenting Stage?

May 05, 2023

While having lunch with two long-time friends this week, a funny thing happened…

A lady leaned over from the next table to politely interrupt us. “I just had to tell you,” She said with a shy smile. “I’ve been eavesdropping on your conversation, and I don’t know how you all do it.”

My two friends and I turned to her as she continued. We had been talking about navigating underage drinking, drugs, curfews, dating, and driving: the tricky balancing act of setting and enforcing rules and boundaries while being realistic about how teens behave plus acknowledging the challenges presented by the conflicting approaches other parents take.

“I’m sorry to butt in, but hearing you talk about parenting teenagers is shocking and fascinating. I have a baby and it’s making me realize how easy and simple my life is right now. I don’t know if I can handle teenagers!”

As she got up to leave her table, she added, “You all seem so calm! You’re doing a great job!”

We thanked her for the compliment and watched her leave before bending our heads together across the table to reminisce about the ever-evolving challenges of parenting. Having met when our oldest children (all now 16 and 17) were in preschool, we’ve discussed potty training, sleep training, separation anxiety, learning issues, health issues, friend issues, food issues…you name it.

After we all went our separate ways and I thought about it more, I realized something: unlike the lady at the restaurant, for me, new parenthood felt unfamiliar, difficult, and uncomfortable. I wasn’t good at simply being with a baby and didn’t much enjoy the patience-destroying whims and tantrums of the toddler years. This shouldn’t have come as a surprise: I babysat regularly in my late teens and twenties and didn’t love being with babies and toddlers then, either.

As a new mother, I felt ashamed and guilty that I didn’t relish “parenting” – especially when so many people, greeting cards, and memes told me to enjoy every moment. No matter how hard I tried, my strengths didn't line up with the demands of early childhood. During that time, my mantra was a line from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin: “The days are long, but the years are short.”

But then, as my children began talking in sentences, going to the bathroom on their own, making friends, and telling me interesting things they’d learned at school, I felt myself becoming more comfortable. I loved watching their personalities and quirks emerge, hearing what they thought and why, listening to their problems, and helping them find solutions. And I still do.

Now that they’re 12 and 16, it’s not easy to hear my kids talk about difficulties with friends, sports, and schoolwork, but I feel more confident and capable as a mother. This phase is a better fit for me: while patience is not my strong suit, I love to problem-solve and analyze feelings, and I’ve learned that much of the time, the most important thing I can do is simply listen carefully while they talk.

I’m looking forward to the next phase, too: when my kids become independent young adults – choosing colleges, careers, and where and whom to spend their lives with. And, funnily enough, with the benefit of hindsight, I’m now glad the phase I didn’t enjoy was right at the very beginning of things and over so quickly!

Which makes me curious: Does everyone feel like this? Did you enjoy one phase of parenting more than another and feel guilty about the times you didn’t like it so much?

I’d love to hear what you think: Let me know in the comments below!

What To Cook

We’ve had cold, rainy weather here lately, and I’ve been craving warm, tasty things to eat: this delicious chicken with turmeric, olives, and vinegar is back in my rotation (serve with rice to soak up the addictive sauce!) and if we have time on Sunday, these potstickers look like a fun weekend project for my dumpling-obsessed kids!

What To Watch

Right now, I’m avidly watching Ted Lasso, Succession, The Last Thing He Told Me, and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

The aforementioned wet weather has provided an excuse (!) to watch even more TV, so I’ve started Love and Death on HBO - it’s the true crime story of a murderous Texas housewife. Elizabeth Olsen stars, and the production values and acting are high quality. The story is so unlikely that it’s gripping, and this happens to be the second limited series I’ve watched on the topic: Candy starring Jessica Biel is also excellent. If that’s not enough, there are many, many articles on the case…

Saint X on Hulu also has me hooked. It’s the fictional story of a young woman who dies suddenly on a luxury family vacation in the Caribbean. Her sister, now in her 20s and living in Brooklyn, is haunted by the mystery around the death and decides to investigate. You might find that the luxury resort setting and dual storylines following the privileged guests and staff who work at the hotel give slight White Lotus vibes.

Another show I want to check out: the new Fatal Attraction series with Lizzie Caplan. It’s a modern remake of the 80s movie and looks intriguing.

Need as much Succession as you can possibly get? Check out the dreamy Norwegian hotel where the gang met with Mattson and his Swedish team! Field trip, anyone?

And on the topic of luxury vacations, here’s a list of hotels where, according to Architectural Digest, you’ll definitely see celebrities…

What To Read

I loved (and laughed out loud) reading this delightfully wacky piece in The New Yorker about Taco Bell’s menu inventions and “food stunts.”

According to Taco Bell:

“We’re Madonna. We’re always reinventing ourselves.”

Um, OK! You may be pleased to know that items that haven’t made it onto the menu include: the Croissant Taco, Crispy Cheese Curd Loaded Fries, and Seafood Salad. Yikes.

I also enjoyed this article about a psychologist learning the hard way (by ruining the birthday parties of two strangers) that seeking to apply the conclusions from research studies does not always work!

I’m reading Emily Henry’s latest book, Happy Place, right now. Her books are always great, although I don’t love this one quite as much as Book Lovers, my absolute favorite of hers. For my next novel, I’m going to pick something from this list compiled by Ms. Henry herself: there are a bunch I’ve never read before that sound good.

If you’re looking for something nonfiction to read, this list by the organizational psychologist, Adam Grant has some excellent recommendations: