7 Rules for Midlife Happiness

and a word from Nora Ephron

At a recent 50^th birthday celebration, the guest of honor recounted the speech his father gave at his own 70^th birthday party. In it, his dad told the assembled guests that even though he was demonstrably 70, he still felt 17 inside.

We laughed and nodded knowingly as our 50-year-old friend described being middle-aged but still feeling young: that uncanny combination of hard-won wisdom and well-practiced efficiency plus wonder at how much more there is to learn and look forward to. And, of course, the daily Freaky Friday moment many of us experience when gazing into the mirror at a face and body that wear the passage of time but don’t match our inner sensibilities.

His speech got me thinking about this phase of life and how to do it well. Nora Ephron famously had three rules for middle-age happiness, which, like everything she wrote, are practically perfect:

1. Gather friends in your home and feed them.

2. Laugh in the face of calamity.

3. Cut out all the things–people, jobs, body parts–that no longer serve you.

Inspired, I’ve gathered a few more (highly subjective!) guidelines on how to relax into the comfort and ease of having reached an age where we’ve figured a few things out while embracing a youthful sense of curiosity and fun.

What are your rules for midlife and beyond? Please share in the Comments – I’d love to know!

1. It’s never too late – for almost anything, from repairing a relationship to starting a new career. Julia Louis Dreyfus went to family therapy with her mother when she was 60, and her mom was 87, and Ina Garten wrote her first cookbook at 50.

2. Properly address medical issues or injuries but do not extensively detail them to anyone but your doctor. In midlife, our bodies refuse to play along with the delusion that we’re still teenagers: shoulders, knees, hips, feet, and lower backs all start to break down. And while this topic is often top of mind, the hard truth is that long soliloquies on the ins and outs of aging muscles, tendons, and bones are a bummer. However, email me directly if you, too, have feet issues…😉

3. Related: Do not discuss dietary issues at dinner parties! Let the host know in advance about your lactose or gluten intolerance, and rest securely in the knowledge that most everyone else at the party who’s over 35 has a similar issue.

4. Celebrate milestones - in your own way. Many of us feel bashful about being the center of attention and asking people to rearrange their schedules to attend a party or birthday trip – but take it from someone who’s been to several milestone birthday celebrations recently and is happily looking forward to more this summer: we want excitement and joy in our lives and are thrilled to show up to fete family and friends! Having said that, it’s also important to honor your milestone how you want – the recent 50^th I attended was held almost a year after the actual birthday because the host needed “some time to settle in” to his new age. One of the loveliest birthday parties I’ve ever attended was a lunch. If you’re not into parties or elaborate vacations, invite a few close friends to spend an afternoon playing your favorite games. And if you’re not into parties at all, give yourself permission to do something (or buy something) you’ve yearned for. When you’ve lived long enough to know what (and who) you like, you get to make the rules.

5. You cannot have too many pairs of reading glasses. Buy them in multiples and stash them everywhere: in your purse, your car, on the kitchen counter, and beside your bed. Like a solar eclipse of the eyes, during my forties, my need for readers has gone from partial to total, and I now need them all the time, from restaurants to grocery stores to the kids’ recitals and graduation ceremonies. Consider a fancy chain so you can always have a pair on you, stylishly.

6. Indulge your inner child and play games. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Pickleball has become so popular with adults over 35: chasing a ball with a group of laughing friends evokes the joy and freedom of childhood. As we grow up, having fun often goes to the bottom of our to-do list, but midlife, when we’ve mastered the art of “adulting,” is the time to bring it back. By 40, we’ve used up half of our allotted 4,000 weeks, and life’s simply too short to put off silliness and joy. I love seeing the youthful enthusiasm and delight on friends’ faces when they reveal their latest hobby – from singing to mahjongg to tap dancing, tennis, or golf, to painting, writing, and ceramics.

7. Prioritize what’s most important. At this time of life, when there are so many competing demands on our time, between work, raising children, and caring for aging parents, this advice from a 1991 commencement speech by then Coca-Cola CEO, Brian Dyson, is particularly relevant: “Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them — work, family, health, friends, and spirit — and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends, and spirit — are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.”

Nora Ephron, wise woman, in her office.

That’s it for me this week! Thank you for reading. See you next Friday! xo Amelia

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