An Easy Trick for a Happier 2025: The “Feelings First” Rule
a simple way to get the most out of life!
Each December, as I anticipate the promise of a new calendar year, perfectly unsullied as a glistening layer of pure white snow, my list-making habit goes into overdrive, and I brainstorm and fantasize about all the ways I can achieve ambitious goals and improve myself.
And so, last month, during a conversation with my writing coach, Leigh, I outlined my professional goals for 2025, “I want more than 10,000 newsletter readers by the end of the year and to get a book deal. Oh, and I want to feel buzz, warmth, support, fun, and joy,” I told her.
“Huh! I’ve never known anyone to make feelings a goal,” she replied.
We moved on to discuss other things, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Leigh’s comment. She helped illuminate an idea that was germinating in the back of my mind: the traditional way of setting goals is all wrong, and there might be a better way to achieve sustainable happiness.
For years, my goal-setting routine consisted of listing things I wanted, like promotions, salary increases, a nicer house, a boyfriend, or to be a certain weight, because I assumed that once I got them, I would feel happy. I dutifully wrote down my goals, then hustled and fretted until I achieved them.
Like many driven, ambitious people, I believed my feelings were a pesky inconvenience I needed to control to achieve my ideal life. Exhaustion was a point of pride (look how busy and important I was!); dissatisfaction drove me (I always needed more of something to be satisfied); and boredom and discomfort were necessary evils to be navigated while pursuing money and recognition.
The problem? My sense of triumph and joy upon achieving each goal was fleeting. The elation I felt did not last long, and soon I was casting around for shinier, better goals to pursue. Social scientists call this the “Hedonic Treadmill,” whereby each new achievement provides a brief happiness boost, followed by a return to the previous level of happiness.
But as I chased promotions, raises, and romance, what I really wanted was to feel satisfaction, recognition, joy, ease, security, abundance, contentment, and love.
Last month, I wrote “grow my audience and get a book deal” on my list of goals because I believed those accomplishments would make me feel proud, recognized, and satisfied.
But an insistent voice in my mind whispered questions I couldn’t ignore, like Will you really feel satisfied with more subscribers and a book deal? Won’t you feel pressure and stress from the publishing house? Won’t you be subject to more criticism and scrutiny with a larger audience? How long will you feel thrilled before anxiety and imposter syndrome set in?
Because, after half a lifetime, I can’t ignore a lesson I’ve learned repeatedly: the good feelings that external achievements bring quickly fade. I look around and see that other people have accomplished more impressive things, dissatisfaction sets in, and I climb right back on the Hedonic Treadmill to nowhere…
And so, I began to wonder: what if rather than setting goals I hope will bring good feelings in the future, I list the feelings I want to feel and set about doing things I know will provide those feelings every day?
When I excitedly described my new Feelings First approach to goal setting to Leigh earlier this week, she gave me a quizzical look and asked a tricky question I’d been wrestling with, “Wait. Are you saying you’re abandoning your dream of being a published author? Do you really mean that?”
“Well, yes and no,” I replied. “I’ve made a list of the feelings I want to feel and what I can do to generate those feelings now rather than later. Being a published author is still a big dream, but I’ve realized I don’t want to spend years hoping to get a book deal while not allowing myself to feel accomplished and proud of my achievements until then—because, let’s face it, it may never happen! Plus, I’m not blind to the fact that while the recognition I’ll feel as a published author will be great, I’ll also inevitably be massively stressed out and anxious!”
I told Leigh that, inspired by a conversation between Ina Garten and Oprah Winfrey, I realized I could recategorize “get a book deal” from a specific goal with a time limit to an opportunity I’d welcome if it comes along in the future.
Neither Garten nor Winfrey set long-term goals and instead, focus on putting their absolute best into their day-to-day work.
As Ina explained, “I always do what’s in front of me today. I do the best job I can possibly do on it…I don’t have a long-term vision…I don’t think, oh, I want to get over there in a year. I don’t have a five-year plan…things happen along the way. I’m not busy looking around, I’m just doing a good job of what I have in front of me, and it leaves me open to what might come along.”
After listening to their conversation, it struck me that I will generate most of the feelings I’ve long attached to major achievements by doing my best at what's currently in front of me. Writing and publishing a weekly newsletter brings me great satisfaction and pride, as does seeing that work accumulate on my website. I derive enormous pleasure from learning how to be a better writer and practicing the craft, and I can experience that sense of fulfillment every single day.
And so I’m heading into 2025 using the Feelings First Rule to guide my efforts—my list is below. While I’m not giving up any of my big dreams, I’m adopting the “Ina/Oprah” approach of working hard each day and enjoying the satisfaction that striving brings while remaining open to opportunities.
Mastery and Flow. To regularly feel a flow state and improve and grow toward mastery, devote several hours each day to focused writing. Attend writing classes, read the work of accomplished writers, publish my work regularly, and pay close attention to the feedback I receive.
Support. Expand my circle of mentors and colleagues. Ask for help when I need it. Remember, vulnerability strengthens relationships! Be generous with praise and support for the work of other writers.
Joy and Fun. Remember my Happiness Checklist, and fill my days with the activities and routines that are guaranteed to make me feel good! Celebrate milestones with friends and family, enjoy time off, and throw fun parties!
Ease. Prioritize spending time with the people I admire most and with whom I can be myself. Say no to obligations and activities that make me resentful and overscheduled.
Love. Pay attention to, and amplify the love that surrounds me! Give the dogs and people in my life hugs, snuggles, and compliments, freely and often.
Strength and Vitality. Take care of my body and mind by prioritizing sleep, minimizing alcohol and processed foods, and following doctor’s orders!
Gratitude: Each day, write down several things that make me feel lucky and grateful. I’m noticing that doing this in the morning helps expand my awareness of the good things in my life throughout the rest of the day.
Satisfaction: Work hard to ensure each time I hit “publish,” it’s my very best work. Maintain a weekly publishing schedule. Take time to review my past work, both online and in the folders on my computer, and notice how much I’ve written and how it’s improved over the past several years.
Recognition. Instead of waiting for an “official stamp of approval,” I have created a catalog of the nice things people have said about my work, and I will continue to review and add to the list!
I’d love to know your thoughts about setting goals using the Feelings First Rule: would this work for you? Tell me how you’re making goals this year and what feelings you’d most like to experience!
7 Rules for Midlife Happiness. And a word from Nora Ephron.
My Happiness Checklist. How to be happier every day without spending a cent!
The Three Commandments of Full Fat Fun. Plus inspiration from Paul Rudd…
Looking for something good to read or watch?
My January recommendations include the playlist I’m listening to as a palate cleanser after consuming holiday music all December, a fun cozy mystery novel, my favorite current “Treadmill Show,” an entertaining reality show that raised my eyebrows through the top of my head, and the TV series
soap operaI’m watching with my husband, Jim.
💌 Thank you so much for reading! Creating and writing each weekly dispatch is a joy for me, and I am deeply honored that you’re here reading along! I have many fun things planned for 2025, including inspiring interviews with some seriously impressive women and a new name for this newsletter!! xo Amelia
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I haven't thought about the feelings first approach, but it makes so much sense. I love your content and writing style and am confident that you will publish a book someday! In the meantime, thanks for sharing your ideas here. They make my life happier! (Goal = happiness, Mini-step = read more Amelia Wilson)
Always a great read. I look forward to your post every week. It' like a comforting ritual.