No One Ever Said You Must Wear Tight Pants...

and 49 other lessons learned during my half-century on earth!

Sep 20, 2024

With a book at four; with books, newspapers, magazines, and more, now!

A few weeks ago, I turned 50. My inner five-year-old is completely baffled by how this happened while my lower back knows exactly what’s up: I’ve been living in this body, on this planet, for half a century. Age is such a funny, subjective thing: 50 is considered young to run for President but old to write a debut novel. A 50-year-old grandmother is young, but a 50-year-old athlete is old.

This birthday has prompted an unusual amount of dreamy contemplation and when I off-handedly mentioned to my son, Teddy (13), that I’ve probably lived more than half my life and that another fifty years seems unlikely, he expressed alarm.

“Mom!” Teddy said with the practiced teenaged inflection that speaks volumes and, in this case, implied severe rebuke: How dare I reference my death?! I explained to Teddy that this knowledge is far from depressing. Instead, it’s a welcome reminder that time does not stand still, and if there are things I want to achieve, there’s no excuse for putting them off until later.

And while turning 50 feels invigorating and motivating, I also feel old enough to let go of a few ideas and expectations—some I didn’t realize I was holding myself to. It’s an enormous relief to know that wrinkles and cellulite are expected on a 50-year-old face and body and that I can stop judging how I look (and feel) by the yardstick of a beauty standard set by the young.

I’ve lived long enough to set my own rules, guided by the knowledge I’ve earned along the way. And so, read on for 50 things I’ve learned about parenting, work, getting things done, happiness, karaoke, decision-making, and, of course, fashion…

Never assume. If you want something to go well, double-check and verify details, to the point of annoying others, always! This was the lesson I learned in my first job in New York, from a boss who had the legend “To Assume Makes an Ass out of You and Me” framed behind his desk.
Get up one hour before you must leave. This is the hack for always being on time, organized, and ready to nail it.
You can never have too many books.
Walking is often the answer. I am a believer in Saint Augustine’s mantra, Solvitur ambulando, or “it is solved by walking.” In times of strife, calm and clarity have often arrived during long walks (taking a shower or going for a drive also help).
Be Amelia…or whoever you are. In Gretchen Rubin’s book, The Happiness Project, she described coming to the realization that accepting her own specific preferences and limitations was a key to her happiness, and I agree. Fighting my own nature or judging it as lacking leads to angst and wasted time.
No is a full sentence.
The things you worry about rarely happen… so don't bother worrying! For years I believed that time spent fretting would ward off disaster but what I’ve learned from hard experience is that the things that go wrong in life are typically unpredictable and complete shocks.
No one is watching me as closely as I think they are. While I remind my kids of this, sometimes I forget that my mistakes and foibles are largely unnoticed by the rest of the world.
It’s what people do, not what they say, that tells you who they are.
When I’m feeling bad, there’s usually a should involved. Whether it’s an event or a project I’ve agreed to out of obligation or a sense that I need to live up to societal ideals (good mother, good daughter, good person), my dissatisfaction and unhappiness often stem from a sense of being inauthentic.
Related: never ignore the Not Quite Right feeling. I first noticed it when I was dating—even though someone was “great on paper,” things didn’t feel quite right, no matter how much I wanted to make the relationship work. The Not Quite Right feeling pops up whenever I’m out of touch with my true desires and doing something because it “sounds like a good idea.”
Most things are reversible. I remind myself of this when I’m afraid to try something new and make a mistake. Hair grows, houses can be sold, new jobs can be found, and relationships begin, end, grow, and change.
It's never too late! As much as our culture venerates youth, everyone loves a late-bloomer!
When it comes to raising children, emotional stability is the key. As my children grow older, it has become clear that no amount of academic, athletic, or artistic achievement can make up for deficiencies in their emotional and mental health. This is THE number one parenting priority.
Celebrate milestones! You never know what’s around the corner: celebrate birthdays, weddings, births, anniversaries, and achievements as they happen to avoid regrets. This is the best stuff of life and should never be shoved to the side by quotidian concerns.
Most people are doing their best most of the time. Good to remember when it seems like someone is out to get me.
Asking for what I want is better than being asked. I’ve found that figuring out what I want in life and asking clearly for it produces more long-term satisfaction than saying yes to a request or offer simply because I’m flattered to be chosen.
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Show up for the important people in your life: Make the effort to travel to funerals, milestone birthday celebrations, to visit new babies, and other important life events. They will remember you were there.
Work is a rubber ball. “If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls— family, health, friends, and spirit—are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered.” Wise words to live by from Brian Dyson’s 1991 Georgia Tech Commencement speech.

Dancing at my fifth birthday party; hot air ballooning on my 25th

Take important photographs during “golden hour.” Everyone and everything looks better during the hour before the sun sets.
Alcohol does not fix anything. While a small amount can add to a joyful occasion, alcohol will only increase stress, anxiety, depression, and insomnia.
Keep moving! A human body is meant to be in motion: joints and bones get creaky and cranky when they’re not regularly exercised, and sleep is harder to come by. Especially in middle age!
You don’t have to be a perfect parent from day one. It’s the middle school and teenage years that kids remember the most.
Admitting weakness is a secret strength. Being honest about my shortcomings has led to deeper relationships and surprising outcomes, and speaking and writing vulnerably has promoted connection and growth.
I will probably never feel like a “proper grown up” and that’s OK!
Good music is magic! Change the channel if I’m in need of cheering up. This also works like a charm for grumpy children and other humans.
Better input equals better output. When feeling uninspired and lacking creativity, seek out high-quality content to read, listen to, or watch.
Guilt is a wasted emotion. My therapist repeated this phrase liberally in sessions during my early days of parenting when I was constantly wracked with guilt over my decisions. Her point: notice the feeling but don’t wallow in the pointless cycle of negativity.
Ignore any “data set of one.” One negative review or unkind comment is not a reason to quit. Go in search of more information!
Meet judgment with curiosity and kindness. When I am the subject of unkind comments or am negatively judging someone else, I have learned it’s far better to err on the side of gentle curiosity and ask: why do you feel/think that?
Lean into what’s working. A tennis pro once explained that players often win a point doing something (a deep crosscourt forehand, perhaps) and then, in the very next point, do something completely different and wonder why it didn’t work. In life, just like in tennis: if you’re doing something that’s working (a form of exercise, taking a medication, a routine, or habit) stick with it. Too often, we stop doing the exact thing that’s causing our success!
No one ever said you must wear tight pants. Or tight waistbands, for that matter. I feel my best when I’m comfortable and wearing clothes that suit my body and life, and I remind myself regularly to resist pressure to don outfits that don’t feel good. Clothes should look good, and be comfortable and fun, not torture devices.

Beat procrastination by taking a teeny tiny step. To get going on a dreaded project, I start by figuring out the smallest, easiest, thing I can do to make a start. Once that first step has been taken, the next is obvious, and everything feels easier.
Don’t hesitate to ask for help! Most people are honored when asked for their advice and guidance.
Kids are excellent collaborators on boundaries, rules, and consequences. When setting family rules with kids aged 5 and up, ask them to weigh in on both what the rules should be and the consequences for noncompliance. This helps kids learn to think with maturity, ensures their participation in family rules; and I’ve found that when given the responsibility, children will often come up with very reasonable and creative ideas.
Five minutes are meaningful! Don’t discount how much you can get done in a short amount of time—for example, with five minutes, I can do each of these things: shower, unload the dishwasher, do 40 squats, pay a bill online, and schedule at least one appointment…
When things go wrong, which they will, play the Glad Game! Pollyanna’s famous habit of finding something positive in a tough situation is a genius gratitude practice.
Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Jealousy is a great clue: when envy strikes, it’s typically telling me that someone else has something I want. No matter how much I may want to dismiss this uncomfortable emotion, it’s important to pay attention.
Related: every feeling is valid and the only way out (of a painful feeling) is through. It is a waste of time and emotional energy trying to make a feeling “go away.” Disagreeable feelings are a part of life and will continue returning until they are acknowledged and experienced.
The most satisfying work produces something tangible and tactile. Seek out ways to work with my hands.
Wishing and hoping don’t work. To “manifest” something I dearly want, first get clear on exactly what the goal is; then do whatever is within my power (even if it’s tiny) to make it happen. Taking even a small step seems to create positive energy!
The truest, most meaningful route to happiness is to prioritize experiences and people over fancy titles and expensive things.
Be the person I want my kids to be. It’s easy to tell them what to do but far more impactful and memorable to show them through my actions how to be the type of engaged, productive, kind, thoughtful, and fun(!) people I hope they will be.
Don’t get sucked into reading or listening to too much news: it’s ALL negative.
A list of karaoke songs is always a good idea! I keep a list in my phone so that when it’s my turn to sing I don’t get brain freeze. (I highly recommend “Baby Got Back” and “Let’s Hear It For The Boy”).
Related: a list of fun songs to dance to is always a good idea! When the vibe is flagging, it’s very helpful to have a list of party starters on hand. (Perennial winners: “Single Ladies” and “Groove Is in the Heart”).
It’s better to be slightly overdressed than underdressed: especially at an important event. Dressing nicely is one way to show people you care about them!
It’s the basics, stupid! When I’m feeling down and grumpy, it’s typically because I’ve skipped one or more of the simple things I need to do each day to make me feel loved, supported, whole, healthy, and at peace with myself and my place in the world.

Full circle: playing the piano for friends at six; playing for friends last year

Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next week! xo Amelia

No One Ever Said You Must Wear Tight Pants...

and 49 other lessons learned during my half-century on earth!

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