The Parenting Secret It Took Me Years to Learn
the joy of playing favorites...
I was having lunch with two friends a few years ago, when a stranger at the next table leaned over to politely interrupt us.
“I’m sorry to butt in,” she said with a shy smile, “but I’ve been eavesdropping on your conversation, and I don’t know how you all do it!”
My friends and I blinked at her in surprise— we were so immersed in our discussion, it felt like we were the only people in the café.
The woman continued, “Hearing you talk about parenting teenagers is shocking and fascinating. I have a baby, and it’s making me realize how easy and simple my life is right now. I don’t know if I can handle teenagers!”
She’d overheard us talking about the tricky balancing act of setting and enforcing rules and boundaries about alcohol, drugs, curfews, dating, and driving for our teenage children, while being realistic about how kids behave, and also acknowledging the challenges presented by the conflicting approaches other parents take.
As she got up to leave, she added, “You all seem so calm! You’re doing a great job!”
After we went our separate ways and I thought about it more, I realized something: unlike the lady at lunch, for me, new parenthood felt unfamiliar, difficult, and uncomfortable.
I wasn’t good at simply being with a baby and fantasized about becoming invisible while enduring the patience-destroying whims and tantrums of the toddler years. Even as a teenage babysitter, I didn’t love spending time with babies and toddlers.
As a new mother, I felt ashamed and guilty that I didn’t relish “parenting”—especially when so many people, greeting cards, and memes told me to cherish every moment. No matter how much I loved my kids or how hard I tried, my strengths didn't line up with the demands of early childhood.
But then, as my children began talking in sentences, going to the bathroom on their own, making friends, and telling me interesting things they’d learned at school, I felt myself becoming more comfortable. I loved watching their personalities and quirks emerge, hearing what they thought and why, listening to their problems, and helping them find solutions.
And I still do.
Now that they’re 14 and 18, it’s gut-wrenching to hear my kids talk about slights from friends, hard losses in sports, uncompromising teachers, and struggles with schoolwork, but I am more confident and capable as a mother.
This phase is a better fit for me: while patience is not my strong suit, I love to problem-solve and analyze feelings, and I’ve learned that much of the time, the most important thing I can do is listen carefully while they talk.
I see my job as helping my kids become their best selves, independent of me, and making choices according to their talents, passions, and purpose.
The next phase of parenting is rapidly approaching: in the fall, my daughter will begin college, and my son will enter high school. Standing by as each of them has navigated the admissions processes for these big next steps has allowed me a peek into their soon-to-be-adult minds, giving me glimmers into their priorities and unique interests.
In hindsight, I’m glad the part of parenting I didn’t enjoy was at the very beginning of things and over so quickly!
Next, I’m looking forward to the “empty nest,” and while it’s far, far away, I can’t wait to become a grandmother, because in my experience, “Grandparents Have More Fun” is an immutable law of nature…
Which makes me curious: Did you enjoy one phase of parenting more than another and feel guilty about the times you didn’t like it so much? Are you in one of those phases now? I always feel better hearing I’m not alone! Hit reply to this email or let me know in the comments below.
An Easy Trick for a Happier 2025: The “Feelings First” Rule. A simple way to get the most out of life!
March Recommendations. This month’s paid issue featured Mahjong mania, grown-up relationships, lots of good things to watch, 4 great books, a mental load marriage swap, and more!
The Secrets of Happy Families. The 5 most important lessons from my difficult childhood.
Three lovely recent reader comments:
On Happiness Analysis, Marcia said, “I had a six-week ban from exercise while recovering from breast cancer surgery late last year and what helped me was to say “this is just for a season”. I then used the time off to do other things I loved on my own happiness list (like connect with friends in person and organised small easy areas of my house).”
On The Morning Routine I Can’t Stop Thinking About, Jen said, “My favorite part is how unlike the typical aspirational morning routine this is - no pilates or going for a run at 4am. Cookies and a show sounds much more delightful!”
From Laura on Happiness Analysis, “Passing this along because it made me smile - My husband came across this reddit post "What do you do to make life more whimsical?" and we both had a good laugh reading through the responses (in both the screenshots and scrolling through the replies) - definitely made me want to try and inject more whimsy into life!”
❤️ If you liked this newsletter, click the ❤️ button at the top or bottom of this email to help more people discover it.
Thank you for reading! I’ll be back next week! xo Amelia.
📧 With a fast-growing readership of 5,000+ subscribers, Happy on Purpose is a weekly newsletter packed with clever ideas and wise advice for infusing more joy, delight, and fun into everyday life. It has been featured in Cup of Jo, Culture Study, Emily Ley’s Substack, Modern Mrs Darcy, Be More with Less, and more.
📧 Free subscribers receive every weekly email.
🎁 VIP subscribers receive the gift e-book 28 Books That Will Change Your Life, automatic entry into giveaways, exclusive monthly entertainment recommendations, plus other fun goodies!
I started to love parenting around 2 years old. They can talk, are so curious, and are learning new things every day and becoming themselves... it's so fun!
I’m with you, Amelia. I find preteen and teenage parenting a much better fit for me than under 5’s (although I do miss the more frequent cuddles). I have 11 year old and 15 year old boys and I learn so much about the world and myself from them. I found the little years so difficult and when people said, oh wait, it’s even harder as teenagers, my heart would sink. But for me, it has actually become much better as the boys have gotten older and I look forward to the next few years before they fly from the nest. Love your newsletter 💗