Happiness Analysis

lessons on coping with a setback

I worried one day it would happen: that, in writing about happiness, I was tempting fate and, sooner or later, I would find myself struggling with a low mood and in no condition to inspire anyone else.

When this thought floated through my mind over the past three years, I superstitiously “touched wood” to ward off misfortune.

This week, my date with doom and gloom arrived. Nothing tragic or catastrophic caused it—just a confluence of frustrating conversations, gloomy grey skies, alarming headlines, a torn ligament in my foot, and some other annoying middle-age-appropriate (but decidedly not dire) test results.

In other words: life.

I’ve been feeling unmotivated and listless, a little depressed, and wholly unqualified to write about happiness. An optimist, my brain typically overflows with ideas, but this week, I spent hours reviewing my running list of topics, judging each as lame.

It was when I forced myself to sit down and start typing something, anything, that I realized that this exact problem is the primary reason I’m obsessed with happiness: I have always wanted to figure out the trick to feeling ease and joy amidst the ordinary challenges of life.

Because while life is short and precious, it’s mostly filled with long days and mundane moments.

By many measures, I’ve led a lucky, privileged life, but I don’t always feel grateful, happy, or particularly blessed. Instead, I grapple daily with minor jealousies, frustrations, and crankiness that can be triggered by something as quotidian as a bad night’s sleep, a headache, an offhand comment I perceive as a slight, or uncomfortably tight jeans.

When I feel like this, what I want most is an easy and painless hack to induce immediate relief and permanent happiness.

To numb my uncomfortable feelings, my first impulse is to reach for chocolate; next, a glass of wine. I harshly tell myself, Buck up, you’ve got it so much better than so many other people, and You’re such a baby, it’s not like you’ve lost a limb!

Then, I stalk around the house, making my dissatisfaction evident while thinking dark thoughts about who to blame for my misfortune. I consider canceling everything on my calendar and spending the foreseeable future in bed.

Reader, while the chocolate, wine, and time in bed provide a temporary reprieve, none of the above makes me feel better for long.

It’s boring but true: what actually helps me get through a slump are the basics.

Like many lessons in life, I’ve forgotten and re-learned this repeatedly. This is why, several years ago, I made a Happiness Checklist of things I know will improve my mood and that I can refer to when I’m feeling down.

Your Happiness Checklist might be a little different from mine, but science has shown that most of us crave (and need) the same things: regular social activity, fun, good relationships, quality sleep and food, exercise, and a sense of purpose and meaningful work.

To solve problems, I often revert to the four-step analytical process I learned as a first-year Law student; there, we were taught to identify the issue, state the relevant law, apply the law, and reach a conclusion.

In life, I’ve found it’s step one–identify the issue–that’s key to figuring out how to make a positive change. Often, when I’m mired in negative thoughts and feelings, the specific cause and what I can do about it is not obvious to me.

And so, after wallowing for a few days, I finally pulled up my Happiness Checklist and got analytical.

1. Sleep. Stick to the routine that works for me: get into bed at 9 pm, read until I’m sleepy, and wake up between 5 and 6 am.

2. Sun. Go outside and turn my face to the sun each morning, and during the dreary winter and spring, use my HappyLight.

3. Meditate and Morning Pages. Allow time for 10 minutes of silent meditation as soon as I wake up, followed by 20-30 minutes to write three pages long-hand.

4. People. Do not go a day without seeing and interacting with another adult! This can happen when I cloister myself to write. Zoom meetings and phone calls count, as does saying hello to people at the Post Office, grocery store, or on the street.

5. Satisfying Work. Don’t skip work I enjoy to do things I feel like I “should.” My favorite things: writing, researching, creating spreadsheets, organizing, and analyzing. Do at least one of these each day.

6. Quality Leisure. Mindless scrolling makes me feel icky and lazy. Watching an excellent show, reading an engrossing book, going to a museum, seeing a play, musical, or movie, strolling through a beautifully curated store, or flipping through a gorgeous coffee table book, feels refreshing and inspiring.

7. Exercise. Move my body in some way every day. A 30-minute walk is the minimum, while playing a game with others is ideal.

8. Eat Well. Make the effort to plan yummy meals to look forward to. Knowing what my next meal will be—and that it will be something delicious—is a secret to my happiness!

9. Laugh. Seek out silliness and fun, and make an effort to laugh. This is not as easy as it sounds. Ideas: watch a sitcom episode, read the New Yorker humor section, organize a tennis game, call a friend to chat, and ask the kids to tell me a joke.

10. Take Breaks. The voice in my head saying I need to work nonstop is wrong! I do much better work when I give myself frequent breaks—especially to do something fun.

11. Limit the News. Don’t get sucked into reading or listening to too much news: it’s ALL negative.

12. Prioritize Time with Friends. Time spent traveling to be with people I love—whether it’s a drive or a flight away—is always worth it. I can get obsessed with not wanting to “waste” time away from my desk, but the time I spend with good friends always leaves me feeling rejuvenated.

13. Ask for and Accept Help. I love collaborating with others and working as a team, but I can be bashful about asking for help or advice because I don’t want to bother people or take up their time. Remember: people have the option to say no, and asking someone for advice is usually taken as a compliment.

14. Drink Less Alcohol. While I love a crisp glass of Sancerre and may wish it wasn’t so, I sleep, feel, and look vastly better when I don’t drink.

Here’s what I discovered: at the root of my discontent is my foot injury.

I’m under doctor’s orders to put as little pressure as possible on my feet (including walking!) for the next two months, and consequently, I have had to adjust my exercise routine. I can ride a bike (which I’ve been doing indoors), but I can’t take walks, and I can’t play racquet sports, my favorite way to exercise, and something I do every day if I can.

Before I looked closely at my Happiness Checklist, I assumed that racquet sports were simply “Exercise.” I had already checked that box by using the stationary bike.

But playing games makes me feel like a kid, joyful and free. Being outside helps me appreciate nature, even in the depths of winter, and spending time with people I respect and admire (and who enjoy healthy, competitive trash-talking as much as I do!) gives me a thrill.

To correct the deficit on my happiness scorecard, I must find new ways to check the Sun, People, and Laugh boxes while my injury heals. Stepping outside into the sunshine each day is easy. Finding ways to replace all the social benefits I get from sports is much harder.

While my foot will take months to heal, clearly seeing the broad impact it has on my life and well-being has helped quieten the blamey, shamey voices in my head so that I can focus on adjusting my routine and replacing the meaningful joy I’m missing.

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❤️ Thank you for sticking with me as I grapple with this slump!

I’ve begun brainstorming ways to inject camaraderie and fun back into my routine and would love your ideas and advice. How have you coped with setbacks and injuries? Tips are very, very welcome!

Happy on Purpose readers are a wise and thoughtful bunch. Here are two comments I can’t stop thinking about…

Says Lindsay on Welcome to the Adulting Awards, “‘Until further notice, celebrate everything,’ is a saying I’ve always loved. Why shouldn’t we? Blink, and we’ll all be 98 years old!”

Says Marion on No One Ever Said You Must Wear Tight Pants...“I have 2 more truisms to ponder: ‘Everyone listens when being paid a compliment, give them often,’ and ‘Hope is not a strategy!’”

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Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next week! xo Amelia

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