9 Habits I Swear by to Thrive in Midlife
a rushed yes often becomes a regret, fun starts at 40, plus the beauty products I can't live without!
When I was a teenager searching for role models, I admired five very different women: a full-time mother, a small business owner, a Catholic nun, a criminal defense lawyer, and an accomplished hostess.
Years later, as I searched for my purpose, I would conjure a mental image of those women lined up like paper dolls, hoping to find a throughline to guide my career choices.
But, I gradually realized, it wasn't a particular job or life path they shared—it was an attitude of assured confidence and infectious, wholehearted engagement in their lives. These women spent time with people and doing activities they passionately adored, unapologetically prioritized fun, and could always be relied upon for support and wise advice.
And they looked good, too: uniquely themselves, whether in tennis whites, Liberty-print ensembles, 80s shoulder pads, sequined evening dresses, or jeans and a T-shirt.
The older I become, the more I return to their blueprint for a well-lived life, which I now understand requires work and intention. Being self-assured enough to make choices that align with your values is a lifelong endeavor, and remaining energetic, vital, and stylish in middle age requires effort, too.
As a small child, I was famous for stubbornly insisting, "I do it myself!" That trait has endured: I find great satisfaction in identifying a problem, then researching and testing solutions until I've fixed it.
I'll turn 51 next month, and while I refuse to consider aging a problem (it's the natural course of a healthy human life!), getting older does present interesting challenges, especially on the health and beauty fronts.
I got married at 31, had my first child at 32, adopted my second child at 36, and began perimenopause that same year, followed by menopause at 42 (this is considered “early”).
Over the past twenty years, I’ve developed several habits I swear by to feel energetic and vital, look my best, and become more my own version of the type of woman I've long admired. And so, inspired by this post, here’s what I’ve learned. I’d love to hear your tips!
1. Find your happiest time. One of the most significant changes in my life over the past two decades has been my increasing need for solitude. I’m fascinated by whether this is a result of becoming a mother and having many more demands on my time, something that happens to everyone with age, or a need I always had but, distracted by a fear of missing out, felt too insecure to claim.
I get up an hour before the rest of my family for this reason: I’m naturally an early riser and love to spend the dark, quiet morning hours meditating, journaling, writing, and thinking. Spending time alone feels both wonderful, as a respite from the world, and deeply necessary for staying connected to my thoughts, yearnings, and needs.
2. Unlearn old habits. While I began seeing a therapist in my 30s, it wasn't until my 40s that the time I spent in therapy led to transformative change. The "midlife crisis" is a tired trope, but there's truth to it: many of us need to live long enough to gain perspective on our childhood before we're ready to let go of coping strategies that helped us as children but no longer serve us as adults.
The entrenched habit I most needed to unlearn was keeping my true desires secret, even from myself, because of my childhood in a violent, unhappy home. Other old habits I’m gradually discarding include perfectionism, being judgmental toward myself and others, ignoring doctors' orders (based on the belief I’m invincible), and refusing to ask for help and advice.
In addition to regular therapy sessions (my husband and I also see a couples' therapist biweekly), I have started each day with Morning Pages for over a decade. It’s three pages of writing whatever I want in longhand, and it’s like 30 minutes of (free!) daily therapy.
3. A rushed yes often becomes a regret! Developing the confidence to firmly say no to social events, volunteer activities, and other commitments that consume my time and drain my social energy has taken half a lifetime. As someone who wants to be liked and considers every invitation flattering, this remains a challenge for me, so I’ve learned never to rush to respond.
When I’m torn, I need time to look within myself to find out what’s causing the conflict: is it a sense of duty, pride, fear of missing out, or am I intimidated by taking a healthy risk? To figure out how I feel, I often need advice from my husband, a friend, or my therapist.
4. Take sleep seriously. To give myself the best chance of a good night's sleep, I maintain a consistent bedtime routine using proven strategies. I don’t drink caffeine after noon. I create a cool environment at 68°F, turn on an overhead fan, and sleep in a king-sized bed (essential when you have a partner and/or dogs!) with adjustable, breathable layers. I go to bed at 9 pm and wake at 5:45 am every day, including weekends, and only make exceptions during vacations or for important late-night events. I read a book on my Kindle (with no backlight) until I fall asleep. I do not use my phone as an alarm and keep it out of sight and sound, charging in my closet.
Finally, I gave up using a sleep tracker when I became overly attached to its metrics. It’s far healthier for me to pay attention to how I feel: I know whether I slept well or not, and I don’t need a device's opinion!
5. Exercise for endorphins. I endeavor to exercise for an hour or so, six days a week, either by playing a fun game, such as tennis, with friends or using the Peloton. I do a set of squats every day, adding hand weights to those, as well as my Peloton workouts.
While staying fit is excellent for overall health and appearance, I prioritize it for its impact on my emotional well-being: exercise improves my sleep, makes me feel strong and resilient, reduces stress, helps me focus, and plays an important role in my social life.
6. Eat to feel good. After years of unexplained bloating, I realized in my early 40s that I was lactose and gluten intolerant, two common midlife developments. Ignoring diet advice and instead paying close attention to how I feel in the hours following each meal has been a life-changing experience.
I’ve noticed that carbonated water, chewing gum, many fruits, and highly processed foods lead to bloating and hinder my digestion. Eating mostly vegetables and a variety of proteins gives me the least digestive problems and the most energy.
I love to eat, and focus on making every meal count by prioritizing flavors and foods I adore: oysters, olives, macadamias, chicken thighs with crispy skin, fish in olive oil, herbs, white wine, and lemon; grilled steak and roasted potatoes, cozy soups, lamb chops with bones to gnaw on, slow-roasted tomatoes, green salads with tangy vinaigrettes, and the occasional piece of chocolate.
7. Fun starts at 40! While I say no to things that sap my energy, I make it a point to show up to celebrate milestones for family and friends. Fiftieth birthday celebrations are the best: our kids require less hands-on parenting, careers are well-established, insecurities are fading, and fun is the highest priority! The 50ths I’ve attended have included showgirl costumes, wild dancefloors, elaborate original musical performances, and relaxing trips to beautiful places. Who knows, maybe the 60th celebrations are even better?!
Learning new skills has been another highlight of middle age: I play racquet sports for social reasons, for exercise, and because there’s always something to improve. Lately, I’ve loved teaching myself to paint with watercolors for 10-15 minutes each evening and taking mahjong classes with friends.
8. Address health issues early. I've been active my entire life and escaped injury until my late 40s, when foot problems began to arise. I have learned the hard way that ignoring midlife injuries is a bad strategy, and I am now following doctors' orders faithfully, including regular stretching, physical therapy, rest days, and icing to decrease inflammation. The same goes for my annual medical checkups, which I schedule in January. This way, if a serious health problem develops, I'll hopefully catch it early.
9. 1980s media management. I manage my media consumption according to this quote from James Clear: "The person who consumes from better sources gets better thoughts." I keep my phone on silent and have all notifications, except for text messages and phone calls, turned off.
I do not receive breaking news alerts or social media notifications, safe in the knowledge that if something important happens within my immediate community or my family, I will hear about it directly.
I choose which news and entertainment sites to visit, but never spend more than an hour per day consuming politics or international news. I base this loosely on the amount of time I remember my parents, who were well-informed, spending on news consumption: 30 minutes reading a newspaper each morning, and 30 minutes watching the evening news.
These are the products I swear by to solve some of my most pressing midlife beauty problems…
To avoid skin cancer and minimize sun damage, I wear a hat and use this genius tinted moisturizer with SPF45 all year long (it adapts to the color of your skin!).
This boar-bristle hairbrush has significantly improved the volume, shininess, and health of my hair.
To keep the “elevens,” the lines that form between the eyes (that, to me, signify anger and unhappiness) at bay, I use Frownies, a non-invasive, old-school alternative to injectables. You apply them at night, because many of us frown in our sleep.
I love this Bobbi Brown brow pencil in Warm Blonde to fill in my rapidly disappearing eyebrows!
I take Nutrafol daily to promote hair growth (it doubles as a multivitamin).
No One Ever Said You Must Wear Tight Pants…and 49 other lessons learned during my half-century on earth!
My Happiness Checklist. How to be happier every day - without spending a cent!
7 Rules for Midlife Happiness. And a word from Nora Ephron
Here are my current recs!
TO READ: I just finished Bug Hollow, a family saga, and loved it! I’m now immersed in The Compound, about the participants of a reality TV show set on a remote compound in a desert, in what seems to be the near future.
TO WATCH: I’m loving Outrageous, the serialized story of the Mitford sisters, all of whom are fascinating, including one who became a close companion of Hitler, and Nancy Mitford, the novelist. I’m also enjoying Stick, the coming-of-age golf series, and mourning the end of Murderbot…
Have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see you next week!
Great list! All of these resonated deeply. I especially took notice of the importance of recognizing and voicing your needs and desires, as learned in therapy. I think this is very hard for so many of us, especially in these years of being a caretaker (and while battling perfectionism). In my spiritual director training, I have learned that God actually communicates through our desires - they are invitations from the Divine. This helps me to feel less worried about appearing selfish or self-involved, and rather recognize that it is an invitation to fuller living, which God desires for me as well! This has been a helpful shift for me. Thank you for this post - I always really enjoy your writing!
Lovely post. Thank you: Bug Hollow…loved it and Michelle Huneven was a new discovery for me.
Getting up an hour earlier than everyone else feels like a velvet cloak of luxury in winter and a chiffon scarf of magic in summer. Xxx