How to Make Better Decisions: 7 Expert Tips
plus, the story of one of the most important decisions of my life
Decisions, decisions! From the moment we wake, our days are filled with choices big and small: what to eat, what to wear, and how (and with whom) to spend our time.
I typically decide quickly and follow through with immediate action, bolstered by the knowledge that, in my experience, most things are reversible.
One close friend gathers opinions from everyone she knows before making choices, and I had a boss who never made a decision before a deadline, from whom I learned that there is power in keeping options open and people guessing…
My husband, Jim, takes a considered approach, weighing and investigating options thoroughly, while I tap my foot, impatient for him to make up his mind.
I’m proud of my clarity, but sometimes even the most decisive of us get stuck and need help.
Seventeen years ago, Jim and I were trying to have a second child. Because of complications following our daughter, Sadie’s birth, I underwent multiple surgeries, tests, and infertility treatments. Each failed treatment led to another, modified version, and a renewed glimmer of hope.
I felt like a doll on a never-ending conveyor belt, having pieces added and subtracted.
I was miserable, but we wanted a baby, and while Jim had gently suggested we consider adoption or surrogacy, I felt that “giving up” trying to conceive equaled personal failure—as a woman, wife, and mother. Everywhere I went—in our neighborhood, at parties, and work—women were pregnant. Well-meaning friends and relatives regaled me with success stories of conception after grueling miscarriages and fertility treatment. I absorbed the idea that to “keep going” against all odds was the right thing to do.
One day, I sat slumped in a chair in my therapist’s office, allowing tears to drip from my chin and soak my shirt, and told her in a tight, scratchy voice, “I’m going to start another round next week. The doctor said it’s a very long shot, given my low FSH numbers and thin uterine lining. I’m dreading it, but maybe with a higher dose of hormones, a miracle will happen.”
My therapist listened, her eyes filled with compassion, and quietly said, “You know, you can decide to stop.”
It was like the light in the room suddenly brightened. I felt a brief flutter of hope in my belly, an inkling of freedom. My tears dried up, and I straightened my shoulders. My goal snapped into focus: to add a child to our family. Not to endure years of treatment or get pregnant. I wasn’t failing as a woman, I finally realized, it was fertility treatment that was failing. My body couldn’t conceive or carry a baby, but this didn’t mean we couldn’t have a second child.
Afterward, on the bustling sidewalk outside my therapist’s office, I called Jim and told him, “I’m going to cancel next week’s treatment. I think we should seriously look into adoption. What do you think?”
I held my breath as I waited for his response. His sigh of relief was audible as he wholeheartedly agreed.
Eighteen months later, we brought our son Teddy home, and our family was complete.
With very few words, my therapist helped me see how I had limited my options. She gave me permission to stop causing myself unnecessary pain, a grace I had not been able to grant myself. And critically, as today’s expert points out below, my therapist helped me clearly understand what the outcome I most wanted was.
For many of us, big decisions are hard to make alone, which is where Nell Wulfhart comes in. She is a “Decision Coach,” who offers an unbiased perspective for people who need practical help to make big decisions.
Nell says, “I have always been that person who friends and family turn to when they have to make a choice. I just have that “fixer” brain: start telling me about a problem you have and my mind immediately goes to work sorting out a solution.”
For more than a decade, Nell has coached thousands of people, from students to parents, politicians, Olympians, CEOs, retirees, and artists on career, relationship, and lifestyle decisions, including whether to quit a job, retire, move, have a baby, or get divorced.
Nell promises that in one session, she will help clients get to a decision. “I’m not selling courses, or weeks or months-long programs, I’m not diving into your childhood, I’m not getting into the WHY. I’m all about the WHAT and the HOW. Therapy is great! But sometimes you just need to make a decision and start moving forward.”
I asked Nell to share her best decision-making tips with us…
Put the decision you’re trying to make into a full, complete sentence. Include all the options! Not “should I quit my job?” but “Should I quit my job to go freelance OR should I stay in my current job for another year?” Getting clear on exactly what you’re choosing between can be surprisingly helpful. This is the first thing I ask every client to do in a session, and it’s amazing how hard people find it!
Ask yourself: are all of these choices realistic? People sometimes call me up to help them decide between multiple options, and the first task is always to eliminate the stuff that we know isn’t going to happen or isn’t going to happen in the near future. One example was the couple who called me with a list of eight possible places to move to. When we dug into it, it turned out they hadn’t even been to two of the places, and another was unrealistic because one person couldn’t stand the weather there. Another example: if you’re deciding between quitting your job and staying put, don’t make the decision until you’re actually prepared to quit—otherwise, you’re just wasting time and mental energy. Take a close look at the options you’re choosing between and make sure you’re ready to do them all before you actually decide.
Ask yourself: is there a third option? Most people are making a binary decision. New York or LA. Baby or no baby. Marriage or divorce. But I have had many sessions in which I ask: “Is there a third option?” and that’s the one that ends up being right for the client. It could mean asking your boss if you can go part-time, or freelancing while holding a full-time job, or trying a long-distance relationship. If you’re stuck between two choices, take a moment to zoom out and ask—is there another option?
Listen for red flag words. The next time you’re trying to make a big decision, describe how each one might work in your life. Listen closely to the language you use (or record yourself describing the possible choices to a friend). Are you saying things like “well, I could….” Or “If I just do [fill in the blank here],” or “Maybe if I”—pay attention! Those phrases are what I call “red flag words." They often reveal your true feelings, the thing you feel you “ought” to do, rather than the thing you really want to do.
Make decisions in line with who you ARE, not who you aspire to be. You will not magically become the sort of person who doesn’t mind a two-hour commute, or working from an office five days a week, or who becomes unallergic to cats. You will not suddenly become skilled at handling conflict, or putting aside hurt feelings. If you’re saying something like “If I can just start going to bed earlier, I can take that job with the 7am start”—that’s the wrong choice for you.
Separate “decision” from “outcome.” We can only control one of these things. People often blame themselves when something doesn’t work out, saying things like “I’m an idiot; I made the wrong decision.” But I’m here to tell you that none of us can predict the future, and we’re making the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. Sometimes, circumstances conspire to make that outcome a bad one; say you took a new job that sounded great, but it turns out the boss is a terrible micromanager. You couldn’t predict it, and you couldn’t control that outcome. It wasn’t a bad decision. It was a bad outcome. Separating decisions and outcomes in our minds helps us to be nicer to ourselves.
Decision: we can control. Outcome: not entirely up to us.
Post-decision, work really hard at the reasons you made your choice. If you moved to New York for the incredible theater, I want to see you in that half-price ticket line once a week! If you went part-time at work so you can finally write your novel, show me that weekly word count! The truth is, you can make any decision a success if you work hard enough at it. By leaning into the reasons you made the decision, you’re reinforcing that it was a good decision, and you’re much less likely to regret your choice.
Thank you, Nell, for your excellent advice! If you’d like to know more about Nell and her work, here’s a recent article, her website, blog, and newsletter.
7 Rules for Midlife Happiness. And a word from Nora Ephron.
Solving Every Travel Problem. 27 tips for packing, long-haul flights, hotel rooms, and souvenir shopping.
No One Ever Said You Must Wear Tight Pants…and 49 other lessons learned from my half-century on earth!
Two reader comments on last week’s issue:
Lindsay N said, “I’m one of those baby-lovers. I was absolutely drained and exhausted by my newborn babies but truly loved the snuggles, breastfeeding, and watching their personalities develop. (I hated pregnancy, though!!) These days my kids are 6, 14 and 17. Are teens challenging? Of course. But so is my 6 year old who resists sleep with all her kindergarten might. As much as I’ve loved cradling a tiny baby, having my teen take me out for breakfast after we swam laps together at the pool is pretty great, too. I love it all❤️”
Nicola B said, “I have 11 year old and 15 year old boys and I learn so much about the world and myself from them. I found the little years so difficult and when people said, oh wait, it’s even harder as teenagers, my heart would sink. But for me, it has actually become much better as the boys have gotten older and I look forward to the next few years before they fly from the nest.”
If you enjoy Happy on Purpose, there are several ways to let me know: click the ❤️ button at the top or bottom of this email, leave a comment, upgrade to a Paid subscription (at a 50% discount until this Sunday!), or hit reply and email me.
I’ll be back next week! xo Amelia
Thank you, Amelia and Nell. I just read this and will be going back to it often. Also, thank you for so tenderly sharing your story, Amelia. ❤️
I really like this topic! And thank you for sharing your fertility story. Recently I was going back & forth on a decision weighing every single pro and con, trying to logic my way to an answer. What finally helped me was imagining I had already decided to do the thing and imagining how I’d proceed. Sudden clarity!