The Life-Changing Magic of a Not-to-Do List
how minimalism expert Courtney Carver gets things done (gently) plus 3 things she can’t live without!
The hustle culture approach to achieving ambitious goals, exemplified by CEOs trumpeting their minimal need for food or fun, tells us that the only way to be successful is to embrace the grind, using grit and discipline to muscle through. While there has been a backlash in recent years, I struggle with the idea that it’s possible to get big things done without sacrificing something, whether it be sleep, fitness, or social life.
This is why I’m fascinated by Courtney Carver, who puts rest and joy first while running a thriving business, a podcast, and writing bestselling books, including Gentle: Rest More, Stress Less, and Live the Life You Actually Want, out this week.
Courtney became a connoisseur of doing less out of necessity: after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2006, she radically changed her life, from where she lived and what she ate, to what she owed and how she loved. This led to a new career supporting and celebrating others as they simplify their lives, including the viral minimalist fashion challenge Project 333. Courtney lives with her husband in Utah and has been featured on Good Morning America, in The New York Times, and O, The Oprah Magazine.
The core message of Gentle is “don’t do it all,” and the book is filled with simple yet radical practices and ideas to help shift us toward a life of less stress, more ease, less overwhelm, and more joy. It’s not easy to change patterns we’ve adopted because of pervasive societal messaging, and I loved talking to Courtney about how she gets things done, gently…
1. Rest first.
One of the most refreshing (and subversive) things about Courtney’s book is her argument that resting should be prioritized and scheduled before everything else! To make the point, “Rest” is Part One of the book.
I’m a big fan of manifestos and checklists, and Gentle has several sprinkled throughout. My favorite is “The New Rules of Rest,” which includes the reminders I need most—here’s the full list, reprinted with Courtney’s permission.
The New Rules of Rest
Thou shalt read at least a few pages of a good book or listen to relaxing music and enjoy a cup of tea before checking email or social media in the morning.
Thou shalt take a nap or a bath long before there is a check mark next to every single thing on thine to-do list.
Thou shalt not wait for the weekend to rest or for a vacation to relax.
Thou shalt not apologize for resting and relaxing.
Before finishing the dishes or cleaning up the house, thou shalt watch an episode of Gilmore Girls or go for a walk.
Thou shalt ease through hard days instead of pushing through them.
When people tell thee, “No pain, no gain” or “I’m so busy” or “I can sleep when I’m dead,” thou shalt gently tell people to eff off or simply smile and share this book with them.
Thou shalt use free time to be free, not to catch up (and there shalt be no worrying about catching up after rest and relaxation.)
Thou shalt not compare thine productivity or busyness to the productivity or busyness of others, understanding that it only glorifies the thing that is tearing us down and wearing us out.
Thou shalt relax and claim thine rest as a right not a reward.
2. Decide what not to do.
Chapter Four of Gentle details the practice of making “not-to-do” lists of tasks and activities—and mindsets or habits—that you’d like to let go of. While I’ve made a not-to-do list for the holiday season, I had never thought to make one for every day!
Courtney’s not-to-do lists include things like overreacting, compromising her sleep, and my favorite, “saying yes to something happening later that I wouldn’t say yes to if it was happening right now.”
Her Morning Not-to-do List reads, “snooze button, email, social media, news.”
Courtney says,
“We're so married to our to-do lists that they become our bosses and run our lives. The not-to-do list is a way to be more intentional because everyone falls into the ‘autopilot life’ from time to time. Things like waking up and scrolling on social media first thing in the morning, even when we say we don’t want to do it. By putting these things on a not-to-do list we're bringing attention to them, and it becomes easier to drop these habits.
It can be so much easier just to do the things to meet everyone's expectations and not feel like you're rocking the boat, but it's much more pleasing to our nervous systems and our hearts when we decide not to.
A big one for me is I'm not going to rush, so when I notice myself rushing, I remember that it’s on my not-to-do list. Rushing through whatever I'm doing is only going to wear me out, lead to more mistakes, and make me grumpy about whatever the thing is. So, I slow down, even though that might mean I don't get as much of that thing done, and everyone else will have to live with that.”
3. Choose the mood!
Writing a book is an intense undertaking involving years of focused work. I asked Courtney how she managed to write Gentle while following her own rules.
“I decided when I pitched the book that I wouldn't let it take over my life or overwhelm me. Anytime we would schedule meetings with the publishing team or the PR group, it would always be called ‘The Gentle Meeting’ or ‘The Gentle Update.’ So, there was always this reminder for us all to be calm and gentle, and by the time we’d get together, nobody was high-intensity. Everybody was relaxed just because of the way we named the meetings!
In the publishing world, everything can seem like a grind when it’s just like, ‘next book, next book, next book,’ and it really benefited me and the entire team to put something together that didn't feel hurried.”
4. Less time means more.
“I break down every goal into tiny bits, but I’m not so strict that I must write 500 words a day, or a thousand words a week, etc. I can get better work done if I'm doing less of it: I'm the kind of person who, if I have a whole day to write a blog post, I could take the entire day to do it. But if I only have an hour or two, I can do it in that amount of time.
“I’ve found when it comes to creative flow, there’s no point pushing through when you need a break. You need to let yourself rejuvenate.”
5. Start each day with love and connection.
Courtney gets up early, between 5 and 5:30 am, meditates, and writes three pages longhand in her journal. She then spends an hour talking on the phone with her sister or her daughter.
“Because I’ve started the day so early, it’s still dark outside—too early to go for a walk or start work. My sister lives in Germany, so my morning is her afternoon, and we try to line it up so that our phone call is a coffee date. It’s not scheduled, but it does end up being at the exact same time every day out of habit. If it doesn’t work, we'll message and say, can't talk this morning, hope you have a great day. My sister and daughter are two people I love, and we have such fun conversations, so I'm then in a great mood by the time I'm getting ready for work.”
6. Be your favorite self, not your best self.
In her late 40s, Courtney found herself crying in her therapist’s office, explaining how hard she was trying to be “good” and asking, “Why isn’t it enough?” While she desperately wanted actionable advice, instead, her therapist replied, “What’s so great about being good?”
Inspired by that question and this post, Courtney frames being our “best selves” as an offshoot of perfectionism and people-pleasing. The antidote? Being our “favorite selves.”
“My favorite self has nothing on the calendar. I’m just being in my space and noticing the things that are already in my life that bring me great joy. I mean, from spending time writing to a cup of coffee to my houseplants to my daughter calling me first thing in the morning. These are the big things for me that really fill my cup and my heart. My favorite self has lots of spaciousness and lots of free time. And great sleep! It goes without saying that sleeping well is just the heart of everything.”
Even a minimalist relies on a few trusted gadgets to make life better!
Break Point (the tennis documentary)
❤️ Thank you Courtney, you’re an inspiration! You can buy Gentle here, Courtney’s other books here, and follow Courtney on Instagram and her website.
The 3 Commandments of Full Fat Fun. Plus inspiration from Paul Rudd…
An Easy Trick for a Happier 2025: The “Feelings First” Rule. A simple way to get the most out of life!
The Morning Routine I Can’t Stop Thinking About. Journalist and personal finance expert Lindsey Stanberry on happiness, money well spent, and how to start each day well!
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Favorite self, I like that!
LOVE concept of “favorite self” vs “best self”.