My Marriage in 11 New Yorker Cartoons
vacations, renovations, couples therapy, and more!
Gift-required holidays make me feel stressed, and Valentine’s Day is the one I find most fraught.
I need a lot of time to think about who I’m giving gifts to and what would be most meaningful, and when forced to do this under pressure, my brain sputters and fritzes like a malfunctioning robot in an '80s sci-fi series.
When February 14 rolls around, I’m still recovering from the pressure of Christmas (the Oscars of gift-giving), and, truth be told, I do not identify as a romantic. I consider myself practical and rational: since childhood, I’ve loved making lists and over-analyzing everything.
It wasn’t until I met my husband, Jim, on a snowy night in January 2003, that I suddenly understood what all the sappy love songs were about.
We were set up on a blind date by friends and met at Decibel, a hip sake bar dive in the East Village. My expectations were nonexistent: not only had I sworn off blind dates after two previous disasters, but I’d also declared I would never date anyone who worked in finance, and Jim, like me, did.
I knew exactly how this date would go: we’d make awkward conversation and find no common ground except for our mutual workplace and friends while silently simmering at the deranged idea that people we liked thought we’d make a good match.
After too much time spent procrastinating about what to wear to telegraph my total lack of interest, I arrived 20 minutes late. My intention was to show up, have one drink, and leave to meet my friend Meg at another bar. To ensure a speedy departure, I’d forgone a winter coat, scarf, hat, or gloves. This way, I could make polite conversation through one drink, pay for it, and skedaddle swiftly.
Later, I’d find out that Jim had equally low expectations and an escape plan of his own, but ever the consummate gentleman, he arrived on time and waited patiently for me in the frigid dark outside the bar.
To my immense shock, I fell in love at first sight. I had never experienced this before: Jim’s handsome face was equal parts familiar, comforting, and intriguing, and I didn’t want to look away. Conversation was easy, one drink turned into more, and hours later, instead of sneaking away to meet my friend, I invited Jim to join me.
One month later, it was Valentine’s Day, but there was a wrinkle: Jim was confined to his 5th-floor walk-up recovering from ankle surgery after he’d broken it snowboarding on our first-ever weekend trip together.
I wasn’t sure what to expect—we couldn’t go to restaurants, movies, or shows, or take long walks around the city while dreamily holding hands. But Jim did have plenty of time to research the perfect Valentine’s Day gift, which he had delivered to me at work: an enormous basket of fancy face and body products from Kiehl’s, which struck the perfect balance between impressive and luxurious, while not too intimate for a brand-new relationship.
Not only was my new boyfriend smart, kind, and the resident of an impressively neat and clean West Village bachelor pad, but he was also an excellent gift-giver!
I am ashamed to say I don’t remember what I got Jim that first Valentine’s Day, but over the years, I’ve developed one tactic that’s helped counteract my gift-giving deficit: the “signature gift.”
Nine years after we got married, on Jim’s birthday each year, I began giving him a framed New Yorker cartoon that captures our relationship at that point in time. The genius cartoonists (David Sipress is a particular favorite) at The New Yorker pithily illustrate the ins and outs of marriage—and life—and having parameters helps my brain relax and focus on figuring out the relevant “theme” and matching cartoon.
It’s fun to see Jim’s reaction when he opens his gift, and the bonus is that this collection is a meaningful way to document our lives together. Most of the cartoons are hung gallery-style in our powder room and are a talking point with guests.
Here they are, annotated (several are about real estate, a side effect of living in New York City for twenty years!):
1. Family-Vacation Breakdown: Not a cartoon, but when Jim and I recognized ourselves (and many of our friends) in this Shouts & Murmurs piece about the trials and tribulations of “vacationing” with small children and extended family written in the style of a post-sports-game press conference, I knew it was a “framer.” “Looking at some numbers here, you finished Friday with four door-slams, one meltdown at a Tommy Hilfiger outlet, and one screaming match at a P. F. Chang’s. Obviously not the game plan you had drawn up.”
2. “Look, I didn’t come down here to work on our relationship. I came here to work on my backhand.” This was the gift that cemented the tradition. Jim and I both played tennis as kids but then gave it up. When we resumed lessons in our 30s, we quickly learned that playing against each other led to, ahem, conflict on the court…These days, we play mixed doubles as a team.
3. “ The majestic way they climb higher and higher until they kiss the sky reminds me of the huge pile of work I have waiting for me when I get back.” This marked the year of our 10th anniversary when Jim was in the thick of a stressful period at work. For our anniversary, we took a trip to Napa, and on a beautiful hike, Jim said these words almost verbatim!
4. “It’s a thongbird” True to middle-aged form, Jim developed an interest in bird watching right around his 40th birthday. Our son, Teddy, who was four at the time, was thrilled to “get the joke” and loved pointing this one out to visitors.
5. “I’m bored—let’s buy a house in the country that has lots of problems.” Nine years after we got married, we realized a dream: buying a house in the rolling hills north of New York City. We’d worried for years about the additional cost and stress of maintaining an actual house (we’d only ever lived in apartments in NYC), and sure enough, our closing was delayed by six months due to repairs…
6. “I’m not worrying—I’m warding off tragedies by constantly anticipating them.” Jim and I differ in our approach to worrying: I’ve learned from hard experience that the things that go wrong in life are typically complete shocks, and therefore feel that worrying is a waste of time; whereas Jim has a habit of fretting about doomsday scenarios. As in all things, balance is the key: I’ve helped Jim tamp down some of his more dramatic concerns while his cautious financial planning has served us well.
7. “I see you touching your face in there!” Naturally, the COVID-19 pandemic brought out Jim’s worst worrying tendencies, and occasionally, to the bemusement of me and the kids, he took it too far, like when he forcefully demanded I leave my shoes outside after grocery shopping because “your shoes are carrying the virus!”
8. “Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair.” While many of our friends embarked on home renovations early in their marriages, we held off as long as we could, alarmed by horror stories involving lengthy delays and conflicts with contractors. We’d also received the good advice that it’s smart to live in your home for several years to “get the feel of it” before deciding on any changes; and while we experienced a few blips, our renovations went smoothly, and we have nothing but affection for our architects and builders!
9. “I don’t want a divorce, but I would like a gap year.” Of course, every marriage has its ups and downs, and this cartoon neatly summed up one particular stint in couples’ therapy: it’s hard to manage a family, plus our individual ambitions and yearnings, and while we’re committed to staying married, the occasional fantasy of “taking a break” from it all is real!
10. “Can’t you just see us sitting here every morning with our coffee, gazing out the window and worrying about how to pay the mortgage?” Familiar to anyone who’s ever considered buying real estate in New York City: when your dream home is simply too expensive!
11.“I’ve got a bullet-pointed list of the ways I’d like you to surprise me.” While Jim excels at buying gifts and enjoys giving them, I love to make lists of exactly what I want. To Jim’s justified frustration, this leaves little room for surprise. Whenever I notice this cartoon on the wall, I remind myself to loosen up a little…
I’ve shared mine and I’d love to hear yours! Do you have a “romantic” gift-giving or Valentine’s tradition or fun “how we met” story?!
Sounds Like Teen Spirit. My kids are both officially teenagers, and the thing that surprises me the most about this is…I don’t hate it!
The Hibernation Edit. Fleece is the word.
How to Win the Screen Time War. And family game night, too!
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Adulting Award Winners!
Last week, I invited readers to nominate themselves or someone else to receive a trophy for the everyday accomplishments that so often go uncelebrated. I’m sending custom trophies to the three readers below to commemorate their achievements!
🏆 Cassie, for “Being a mom to 2 under 2! But more so for my efforts to break the generational patterns of my family. I work very, very hard to be a good mother and I’m currently in therapy to continue that work not only for my daughters, but for my own healing. I’m proud of that. ❤️”
🏆 Aja, for “putting myself through college!”
🏆 A joint award for Jen and her husband, because “I’d give my husband a trophy for completing another full house renovation (our 7th in our 22 years of marriage) in addition to a full-time career. Heck, I’d give myself a trophy for the same thing. We’re still happily married somehow! Hahahah crazier, but still happy.”
💌 Thank you so much for reading, and I’ll see you next week! xo Amelia
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Oh Amelia, this is wonderful!! Take it from an ole broad who has been married 611/2 years, it was spot on!! You clever girl you😘give that darling man of yours a big hug for me! ❌⭕️❌⭕️
So good! What a sweet and unique way to honor your relationship over the years❤️